2008.06.29 07:00 - Facing Fear

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    Rajah was the guardian that morning. He sent me the following chat file, to which I added my comments.

    Rajah, Fale and Pia greet each other, and Adams then joins them as well.

    Rajah Yalin: hi Fael
    Fael Illyar: Hello Rajah :)
    Fael Illyar: Hi Pia
    Rajah Yalin: hi Pia
    Pia Iger: Hi, Fael, Rajah
    Pia Iger: Fael, a new outfit?
    Fael Illyar: Yes :)
    Faenik: could be
    Fael Illyar went shopping yesterday.
    Rajah Yalin: hi Adams
    Pia Iger: Isn’t it something! I don’t how to describe it
    Adams Rubble: Hi Rajah
    Fael Illyar: Hi Adams :)
    Adams Rubble: Hi Fael
    Fael Illyar: Ah, that’s what these ghosts look like in this 1.20 viewer :)
    Adams Rubble: Hi Pia
    Pia Iger: Hi, Adams
    Pia Iger: quite majesty, maybe, is the word
    Fael Illyar: my outfit?
    Pia Iger: or powerful, yes. your look
    Fael Illyar: Yes, it sort of is like that :)
    Pia Iger: anyway, I enjoy looking at the outfit.
    Rajah Yalin: me too
    Pia Iger: Adams is still grey
    Rajah Yalin: Adams is still wearing the infamous MISSING shirt to me

    Caspian and Moon arrive as well.

    Fael Illyar: Hello Caspian
    Rajah Yalin: hi Caspian
    Caspian Inglewood: ah
    Fael Illyar: adams apparently crashed
    Caspian Inglewood: Konnichiwa
    Rajah Yalin: konnichiwa
    Caspian Inglewood: yah
    Faenik: indeed?
    Pia Iger: Hi Caspian
    Fael Illyar: wb Adams :)
    Caspian Inglewood: namaste
    Fael Illyar: Hi Moon :)
    Rajah Yalin: hi Moon
    Moon Fargis: hi everyone
    Caspian Inglewood: oh no
    Caspian Inglewood: the ornery one
    Pia Iger: Hi, Moon.
    Rajah Yalin: that is moon
    Moon Fargis: yes
    Adams Rubble: Hello again everyone
    Rajah Yalin: so hows the PaB been?
    Moon Fargis: good like always i think :)
    Rajah Yalin: good care to keep the conversation alive?
    Moon Fargis: sure pab ballble is good
    Rajah Yalin: it only makes sense
    Faenik: indeed?
    Rajah Yalin: that we babble about PaB this fine SL mourning

    Indeed, quite a bit of babbling going on for a while.

    Moon Fargis: hows the dreamstuff going pia ?
    Pia Iger: I always has dreams. but do not remember what I had last night.
    Caspian Inglewood: have you visited Little Yoshiwara, Moon?
    Moon Fargis: caspian: no didnt got the time yet
    Caspian Inglewood: stares at Fargis-san
    Pia Iger: but I like what we talked yesterday, quite helpful
    Moon Fargis stares back and draws a watergun
    Pia Iger: Moon has a bundle of humor, I wonder where they come from
    Caspian Inglewood: Rubble, are you a geisha?
    Adams Rubble: Nope
    Caspian Inglewood: your watergun is no match for this cigar
    Moon Fargis: hehe
    Moon Fargis: when i try long enought
    Moon Fargis: but i dot want to ruin the tatami :)
    Moon Fargis: so rajah .. i forget again where you came from
    Pia Iger: Vanuatu, I think
    Fael Illyar: me too, actually :)
    Fael Illyar: Ah, yes, Vanuatu sounds familiar
    Caspian Inglewood: I can ruin tatami in other way
    Caspian Inglewood: naturally
    Pia Iger: now he is drinking Kava, not typing
    Moon Fargis: yes right.. the notice option in profiles is too seldom used by me :)
    Caspian Inglewood: by leaving a scent, fargis-san
    Moon Fargis: dont scent and smoke
    Rajah Yalin: Vanuatu yep
    Pia Iger: how is the weather there?
    Rajah Yalin: dark
    Pia Iger: cool?
    Pia Iger: dark is not weather.
    Moon Fargis: :) just fo my notices, in what ind of buddhism you where in ?
    Caspian Inglewood: wheat pancakes
    Rajah Yalin: I cant see a thing out there but i dont see rain so i guess its good :D
    Caspian Inglewood: the Buddha still will not tell me why they exist
    Moon Fargis: caspian: dont ask
    Faenik: ah :)
    Caspian Inglewood: to whom do you speak, Fargis-san?
    Moon Fargis: see the name before this sentence? is written Caspian: so i guessi mean you
    Caspian Inglewood: no poo for brains
    Caspian Inglewood: the sentence before
    Moon Fargis: ahh rajah
    Caspian Inglewood: I see

    Pia again makes a great attempt to focus the conversations.

    Pia Iger: Moon, I do like your suggestion of” hug the man” in the dream
    Pia Iger: I felt encouraged to face the fear
    Moon Fargis: im glad to hear that .)
    Fael Illyar: That’s good :)
    Caspian Inglewood: please help to elect Barack Obama
    Pia Iger: Many times, fear grows stronger because we tend to withdraw
    Pia Iger: I just remember the other day
    Pia Iger: a drunk/drug addict
    Pia Iger: on the subway train
    Pia Iger: kept looking at me and wanted to make conversation
    Caspian Inglewood: bows to Adams
    Pia Iger: I was so afraid and could not look at him
    Moon Fargis: ah
    Moon Fargis: did you leaved him alone?
    Caspian Inglewood: the mind makes boogeyman of dark closets
    Pia Iger: He sort of followed me a bit out side station
    Pia Iger: said he wants to talk to me
    Pia Iger: Of cause, I did not make any eye contact
    Pia Iger: just walked my way
    Moon Fargis: hmm at one side you protected yoursefl
    Pia Iger: yes, that is common sense
    Fael Illyar: Some people might get angry at being ignored though
    Caspian Inglewood: the homeless person was you, Pia
    Moon Fargis: but at the other some eyecontact should atleast be made… i remember a hapening wich was nerly the same
    Moon Fargis: i where on a bus station and waited for the bus, i saw a drunken old man sitting on a bench talking to a strager who completley ignored him ..they both sat on the same bench.. soon the strager had eought of the drunken babble and leaved.. i felt sorrry for the drunken man at set me to him.we started a nice conversation and i heard alot of painfull things hapend in his life wich leads to ruin…
    Moon Fargis: but it was at day on a open space
    Moon Fargis: who know what had do on night on a dark subway station

    Indeed. And New York City is not the safest place in the world to talk to strangers.

    Adams Rubble: Yes circumstances make a big difference
    Faenik loves wells!
    Caspian Inglewood: who doesn’t feel that wrenching pain in the guts at the sight of the cold and homeless?
    Caspian Inglewood: isn’t this what brings people to Zen practice
    Pia Iger: yes, Caspian, it is one thing that I did not gut to face.
    Pia Iger: The drunk looked very pathetic, lonely,
    Caspian Inglewood: what has passed is past
    Pia Iger: with watery eyes
    Pia Iger: Why do you say I am the homeless one?
    Pia Iger: Caspian?
    Moon Fargis takes out the water pistol again
    Pia Iger: hehe
    Caspian Inglewood: you ask me how to use koan
    Caspian Inglewood: Dogen Zenji observed, “impermanence and suffering are right before your eyes.”
    Pia Iger: Koan?
    Caspian Inglewood: Koan?
    Caspian Inglewood: this question itself is koan
    Caspian Inglewood: for a koan can’t be answered or understood by the intellect
    Caspian Inglewood: Mumonkan says: You describe it in vain, you picture it but to no avail
    Pia Iger: so how do you work on Koans?
    Caspian Inglewood: allow it to become a great ball of great doubt
    Caspian Inglewood: actually, there is no one way to work on a koan
    Caspian Inglewood: only one way to awakening, a thousand masters can’t point it out
    Caspian Inglewood: and because koan work is an intense form of practice, it is best to work with a teacher
    Pia Iger: thanks for the explanation.
    Caspian Inglewood: yeah
    Adams Rubble thinks Caspian has ben a bit harsh about Pia’s encounter
    Caspian Inglewood: what is koan?
    Caspian Inglewood: only you can answer this for yourself
    Pia Iger: Moon, even in daylight, I don’t think I can practice the sympathy to homeless
    Moon Fargis: pia: your awareness of that can lead you to change it
    Adams Rubble: I think caspian has made an assumption about the other person’s state of mind
    Caspian Inglewood: “just like this” is the truth Adams
    Caspian Inglewood: I only answered the question: what is koan?
    Adams Rubble: No before that Caspian. I am slow to respond
    Adams Rubble: When you said Pia is the homeless one

    Caspian reacts rather sharply to Adams.

    Caspian Inglewood: that was not for you
    Pia Iger: yes, I am curious about this too.
    Caspian Inglewood: I should have done it in IM
    Faenik: why not?
    Adams Rubble: Can’t we talk openly about this?
    Pia Iger: no hard feelings, just not clear what you mean?
    Pia Iger: guess I missed the bullet
    Caspian Inglewood: because our life mission is to save all sentient beings in suffering, we must treat the other as we treat ourself
    Caspian Inglewood: I never said you treated homeless person incorrect
    Caspian Inglewood: only that homeless person was you
    Faenik: could be
    Fael Illyar: Rather hard to make a clear interpretation about what Caspian said but my take is that “You are the homeless one” is a Koan meant for Pia.
    Caspian Inglewood: sometimes I check my mind, and my mind is sometimes clean and sometimes dirty, so hard training is necessary
    Adams Rubble: I hope I did not overstep here…
    Caspian Inglewood: most people separate their opinion, their condition, and their situation
    Caspian Inglewood: but if you have a clear mind, your opinion, condition, and situation become one action
    Pia Iger: np. Adams
    Adams Rubble: but I think I feel that it is possible that Pia might have been in real danger
    Caspian Inglewood: you have done no such thing
    Fael Illyar: Koan, as far as I know, is a question that you ponder.
    Adams Rubble: and we need to be wise in how we apply our compassion
    Fael Illyar: but that can’t be answered directly.
    Caspian Inglewood: yes, danger comes and you run
    Caspian Inglewood: but from what does one run?
    Pia Iger: the fear of danger,
    Caspian Inglewood: the fear of death…
    Pia Iger: yes, there is struggle between being survive and practicing fully compasson
    Fael Illyar: I think I read somewhere that when you are enlightened, you no longer fear death.
    Caspian Inglewood: most people, when they look at it, are not scared of death Pia
    Caspian Inglewood: survival is a given
    Caspian Inglewood: most are very scared of a painful, drawn out death
    Caspian Inglewood: perhaps this is not relevant
    Caspian Inglewood: but I believe it is so
    Adams Rubble: I agree with that Caspian
    Caspian Inglewood: life and death are like a floating cloud
    Adams Rubble: for me anyway
    Caspian Inglewood: neither one exists
    Fael Illyar: but I think it’s worth thinking about what you were afraid at that time, Pia.
    Pia Iger: yes. Fael
    Caspian Inglewood: ha! the floating cloud itself originally does not exist
    Caspian Inglewood: bows to Adams
    Caspian Inglewood: there is one thing which always remains clear, not dependent on life or death
    Caspian Inglewood: not dependent on coming or going
    Caspian Inglewood: what is the one pure and clear thing?
    Caspian Inglewood: this again is koan
    Caspian Inglewood: fundamental koan
    Faenik: なるほど ^^
    Pia Iger: this may be very frank, I noticed I was very aware of my own weakness at that time
    Caspian Inglewood: facing our failings and our weakness and yet still again rousing up that energy of “try” is very much connected to our view of what it really means to be alive
    Adams Rubble: :)
    Caspian Inglewood: that’s the bodhisattva way, just try
    Pia Iger: on the other hand, I was almost afraid of being contaminated by his misforturne
    Moon Fargis: thats intresting, now i think you made a big step pia about realizing this
    Pia Iger: thanks, Moon.
    Caspian Inglewood: without misfortune, there is only more wanting and desire
    Caspian Inglewood: wanting and wanting
    Caspian Inglewood: must go now
    Pia Iger: I am quite content with what I have now.

    Time for everyone to leave.

    Caspian Inglewood: you all have a blessed day
    Rajah Yalin: Namaste
    Adams Rubble: bye Caspian
    Fael Illyar: bye Caspian
    Moon Fargis: bye caspian
    Caspian Inglewood: cia
    Pia Iger: bye caspian
    Pia Iger: but it is scare to think I would lose what I have, and have difficulties like the homeless
    Moon Fargis: nothing to loose when you give help
    Faenik: ah :)
    Fael Illyar: being scared about something like that sounds like treating it like a contagious disease
    Pia Iger: true, Fael,
    Adams Rubble: The bodhisattva way is very hard and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up when we fall short—only try again :)
    Adams Rubble thinks Moon is very wise
    Pia Iger: :)
    Pia Iger: and funny
    Adams Rubble: :)
    Fael Illyar: That hold for everything. Don’t beat yourself up for failing, only try again. If you beat up yourself for failing, you won’t even try.
    Faenik: ah :)
    Pia Iger: thanks, Fael.
    Pia Iger: how about a dance before next meeing?
    Pia Iger: Moon?
    Moon Fargis: ahh sorry
    Moon Fargis: here i am again
    Moon Fargis: phone was interrupting
    Fael Illyar: Well, lets move to the guardian meeting hall :)
    Pia Iger: time to go?

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