2010.02.26 07:00 - "I Really Don't Know How to Make Sense of Myself"

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    The Guardian for this meeting was Eliza Madrigal. The comments are by Eliza Madrigal, who spent the session with Yakuzza and the avatar of Widget. :) We talked about illness a bit, then paranoia and financial markets.... 

    Yakuzza Lethecus: hey eliza
    Eliza Madrigal: Hello Ya :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, i logged on to SL and my boss just called me
    Eliza Madrigal: eek
    Eliza Madrigal: Aren't you just getting home from work at this time normally?
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, and then i was uncertain if it was right that i told him that i felt well this morning
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i had 2 sickdays
    Yakuzza Lethecus: but the doctor wrote me sick for yesterday and today :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i mean sure the meds are working :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: but now i really think that that wasn´t the best answer :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol
    Yakuzza Lethecus: usually our relationship at work isn´t that worse
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and if you´re written ill insurence doesn´t pay if you still work
    Yakuzza Lethecus: so it´s supposed to be fine
    Yakuzza Lethecus: hey widget
    Eliza Madrigal: Hope you're feeling better... seems the main thing
    Eliza Madrigal: :)
    Eliza Madrigal: Hi Widget :)
    Widget Whiteberry: good morning
    Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, in fact i do i sleept very well still bad coughing sometimes
    Yakuzza Lethecus: but the strong headache i had yesterday morning which was the issue then is gone
    Eliza Madrigal: We have a bit of a stomach flu in the house right now... my son behind me on the sofa sleeping...
    Eliza Madrigal: when the weather changes people seem more succeptable...
    Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, that´s also going around my farther´s girlfriend got it too
    Eliza Madrigal: I used to shrug it off when people would say things about the weather, etc. but now it seems to make sense that one's immune system adjusts, etc..
    Eliza Madrigal: maybe leaving a more vulnerable moment in there... not sure :)

    :) Admittedly not the best framing...

    Eliza Madrigal: Anyway, I wonder if we have PaB ish topics today?
    Widget Whiteberry: I dont
    Eliza Madrigal smiles
    Yakuzza Lethecus: hmm whats not pabish ?
    Yakuzza Lethecus: but we can try to talk about the seconds
    Widget Whiteberry: ah, and it looks like I'm not staying
    Eliza Madrigal: hehe... well maybe everything is pab.. if coming from the context of pab into whatever it is?
    Eliza Madrigal: Sorry to hear that Widget! Good to see you for a moment though :)
    Widget Whiteberry: too many sick friends ... and I'm grateful to hear from them when they can log on/in
    Eliza Madrigal: Yakuzza, since you bring it up... >grin<.... are you engaging with the pauses lately?
    Eliza Madrigal: Oh, yes indeed. Sorry to hear that Widget
    Eliza Madrigal: And glad to hear they're getting better too!

    Yakuzza Lethecus: i try to focus on a bodypart like my feed or a part of my skin
    Yakuzza Lethecus: but nothing i really would belief is worth telling
    Eliza Madrigal: You'd probably be very surprised about that Ya... sometimes the most mundane things unpack in wonderful ways or translate powerfully!

    Yakuzza Lethecus: in fact besides the 9 seconds i read that the insurance company AIG made 8,9 billion dollars new debts
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and those things constantly trigger thinking about my unability to understand our economic system
    Eliza Madrigal: And if you could?
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and that´s a blurry concern that get dominant
    Yakuzza Lethecus: then i propably would get a good job in order to shut up ? :D
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol
    Eliza Madrigal: haha
    Yakuzza Lethecus: na, still it´s really kind of fearful to me that nobody really understands it
    Eliza Madrigal: This seems just the kind of limitation we constantly run up against which can be an opportunity to dig into our personal practice more....
    Eliza Madrigal: our weakness/inability is so *obvious* so there comes a sense of surrender...
    Eliza Madrigal: which doesn't mean not trying to understand or apply ourselves... but also realizing we can't 'get it' all....
    Eliza Madrigal: but we can make higher decisions from a higher knowing maybe? eventually....
    Eliza Madrigal: in our little matters :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i always think about the issue that i propable don´t know enough ppl, and ppl with a perspective on these things

    Eliza Madrigal: then if you subscribe to anything like a holographic model, that has reverberations... ?
    Yakuzza Lethecus: hehe, i don´t understand that either :)
    Eliza Madrigal smiles... I have a link you may like...
    Eliza Madrigal: one moment...
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i know
    Yakuzza Lethecus: newscienticst
    Yakuzza Lethecus: the holographic universe
    Eliza Madrigal: http://www.theonion.com/content/news...nds_to_halt_as
    Yakuzza Lethecus: oh
    Eliza Madrigal: No, this is sillier....
    Eliza Madrigal: I think Storm shared it, or maybe Eos.... one of them anyway. hah
    Yakuzza Lethecus: waiting on it to loead up :)
    Eliza Madrigal: Ah :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, i would also say that money is an illusion if i would have 12-13 trillion debts :)
    Eliza Madrigal: Well, the thing is, we all do....
    Eliza Madrigal: and don't. heheh
    Eliza Madrigal: Maybe I'm cynical... but I'm coming out of a long stretch of 'american dream' kind of thinking....
    Eliza Madrigal: collective bubble bursts

    Sorting and Distribution...

    Yakuzza Lethecus: my ,,problem" seems just my unability to see things in a more differentiated way
    Yakuzza Lethecus: ,,just fear" and don´t know how to come to a rational position
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and the unability fears me
    Eliza Madrigal: I wonder if you have ways that you sort through the knowledge you are accumulating, Ya?
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and just saying those dumb corrupt idiot´s doesn´t really help
    Eliza Madrigal: Writing, etc?
    Yakuzza Lethecus: oh, i barly write things down, i have floating things around my mind propably to much but very unstructurized
    Eliza Madrigal nods... this is why I ask.... I feel similar to you in many ways, voracious intake/study sometimes... but I'm helped I think by 1. meditation practice, exercizes 2. Writing...without those things I become overwhelmed...
    Eliza Madrigal: fragmented
    Eliza Madrigal: and then worry about that... 'trying' to change it
    Eliza Madrigal: or 'fix' it
    Yakuzza Lethecus: hmm, i think i try to get rid of the negativity on it and the notion of getting stuck over these thoughts
    Yakuzza Lethecus: so i try to elaborate ,,dropping" on the fear of these thoughts, i don´t feel that i can really write down these issues in a structurized way
    Eliza Madrigal: Not necessary to be structured...
    Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, propably trying to express it just in a brainstorm
    Yakuzza Lethecus: one moment i can think about how i come how i am today, why do i have trouble reading anything and never really learned to read
    Yakuzza Lethecus: then i think that my parents never had those habits and i never got ,,primed" into it
    Yakuzza Lethecus: then i already might think that it´s not fair and egaliterian for everyone
    Eliza Madrigal: Ah, but you fixate on what you haven't figured out yet... or could be... missing maybe the astounding thing that you ARE so curious... a very rare quality

    Yakuzza Lethecus: then i might already think that i am already one of the 1billion ppl who have a high standart of living
    Yakuzza Lethecus: these thoughts are at most very simple
    Yakuzza Lethecus: my issue is just that i want to know how i can elaborate on things i make myself fearfull about in order to loose my blurry fear
    Eliza Madrigal nods
    Eliza Madrigal: that's why I like tricks
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and that would be ,,economics" math everything above calculus
    Eliza Madrigal: :))
    Eliza Madrigal: Well, maybe a sorting place would help (like writing) or a kind of vision of motive/intention.....
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i often have the feeling that i can´t really bring my thoughts in words
    Eliza Madrigal: me too :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: even when i listen to lectures about economics and hear something like ,,algorithmic online trading"
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i fear math and then those ppl, have alogrithm´s to trade stocks
    Yakuzza Lethecus: gosh, double my fearfulness :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol


    Eliza Madrigal: They also have high powered super computers to trade very quickly... don't worry, you ARE right that everything is rigged... hehehe
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and only goldman sachs really came through the crisis very well
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and is technologie today really created for the greatest happyness of the greatest number ?
    Eliza Madrigal: technology itself isn't the issue.... losing sight is an issue, ya
    Eliza Madrigal: lack of empathy, compassion....
    Yakuzza Lethecus: oh, yes, but i believe that nobody got sight anymore
    Eliza Madrigal: not seeing that 'other' is self...
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and those who do better keep it for themselves because it got value
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i mean i got a perfect way to make myself paranoid :)
    Eliza Madrigal: well then what?
    Eliza Madrigal: :)
    Eliza Madrigal: does paranoia have energy in it to accomplish any of the fixing things you worry about?
    Yakuzza Lethecus: hehe, the negativitiy is the issue, the motivation it triggers is good
    Yakuzza Lethecus: so what i need to drop are the nagative emotions that make stuck
    Yakuzza Lethecus: reading about FA Hayek, Schumpeter or contemporary economists is a good thing
    Eliza Madrigal nods... so maybe read one or two people... people who don't rant....
    Eliza Madrigal: read someone inspiring... or funny
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, i have to devlelop to be happy, not externalising happyness
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i have to ,,be" happy :)
    Eliza Madrigal: :)) Be being happy
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol
    Yakuzza Lethecus: nods :)
    Eliza Madrigal: get out of the way of the happiness already there :)
    Yakuzza Lethecus: externalising happyness isn´t a good idea
    Yakuzza Lethecus: like those studies about small children paining pictures
    Yakuzza Lethecus: give one group candy and they will stop painting tomorrow in expectation they get candy
    Yakuzza Lethecus: if they don´t get some
    Eliza Madrigal nods... yes can be that way
    Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, i was thinking about that in context of our former socialist part of germany
    Yakuzza Lethecus: college ppl there earned LESS!
    Yakuzza Lethecus: because the ppl made it possible for them
    Yakuzza Lethecus: but still ppl did that not because of higher income sure on the longer term i guess most of the ppl would still have had ways there to get more income but ppl studied because of idealism
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and it´s right to understand the world better
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and i still ask myself what justifies somebody to earn 100 million dollars a year
    Yakuzza Lethecus: like the boss of goldman sachs
    Eliza Madrigal: Sure... understanding the world can be great... maybe understanding is more 'effective' when able to really assimilate into one's own life, where we are...

    Yakuzza Lethecus: i don´t undestand the function of our financial system anymore
    Yakuzza Lethecus: ah, sorry, i never understood it :D
    Eliza Madrigal: Its a game, Ya...
    Eliza Madrigal: haha, yes
    Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, a game with real existences
    Yakuzza Lethecus: a casino like las vegas or macau
    Yakuzza Lethecus: but everyone is in it
    Yakuzza Lethecus: and we can´t get out of the gametable while in fact in western europe and the states even the poor ppl are on the bright side of human life from a global perspective
    Yakuzza Lethecus: so i really don´t know how to make sense of myself
    Eliza Madrigal: hehe, what a great line
    Yakuzza Lethecus: i think i would really need a place in SL where ppl are talking about economics more
    Yakuzza Lethecus: to just read and let some problems be settled automatically
    Yakuzza Lethecus: that often happens for me to follow a discussion and out of nowhere i year something which solves my concern about something specific
    Yakuzza Lethecus: ok, i got to leave
    Yakuzza Lethecus: bye you both!
    Eliza Madrigal: Bye ya :)
    Eliza Madrigal: hehe.. think Widget has been gone a while :)
    Eliza Madrigal: C you later maybe
    Yakuzza Lethecus: yeah, sadly i think she got more elaborated thoughts on some things i am thinking about
    Yakuzza Lethecus: bye

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