2010.02.26 07:00 - "I Really Don't Know How to Make Sense of Myself"

The Guardian for this meeting was Eliza Madrigal. The comments are by Eliza Madrigal, who spent the session with Yakuzza and the avatar of Widget. :) We talked about illness a bit, then paranoia and financial markets.... 

Yakuzza Lethecus: hey eliza
Eliza Madrigal: Hello Ya :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, i logged on to SL and my boss just called me
Eliza Madrigal: eek
Eliza Madrigal: Aren't you just getting home from work at this time normally?
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, and then i was uncertain if it was right that i told him that i felt well this morning
Yakuzza Lethecus: i had 2 sickdays
Yakuzza Lethecus: but the doctor wrote me sick for yesterday and today :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: i mean sure the meds are working :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: but now i really think that that wasn´t the best answer :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol
Yakuzza Lethecus: usually our relationship at work isn´t that worse
Yakuzza Lethecus: and if you´re written ill insurence doesn´t pay if you still work
Yakuzza Lethecus: so it´s supposed to be fine
Yakuzza Lethecus: hey widget
Eliza Madrigal: Hope you're feeling better... seems the main thing
Eliza Madrigal: :)
Eliza Madrigal: Hi Widget :)
Widget Whiteberry: good morning
Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, in fact i do i sleept very well still bad coughing sometimes
Yakuzza Lethecus: but the strong headache i had yesterday morning which was the issue then is gone
Eliza Madrigal: We have a bit of a stomach flu in the house right now... my son behind me on the sofa sleeping...
Eliza Madrigal: when the weather changes people seem more succeptable...
Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, that´s also going around my farther´s girlfriend got it too
Eliza Madrigal: I used to shrug it off when people would say things about the weather, etc. but now it seems to make sense that one's immune system adjusts, etc..
Eliza Madrigal: maybe leaving a more vulnerable moment in there... not sure :)

:) Admittedly not the best framing...

Eliza Madrigal: Anyway, I wonder if we have PaB ish topics today?
Widget Whiteberry: I dont
Eliza Madrigal smiles
Yakuzza Lethecus: hmm whats not pabish ?
Yakuzza Lethecus: but we can try to talk about the seconds
Widget Whiteberry: ah, and it looks like I'm not staying
Eliza Madrigal: hehe... well maybe everything is pab.. if coming from the context of pab into whatever it is?
--BELL--
Eliza Madrigal: Sorry to hear that Widget! Good to see you for a moment though :)
Widget Whiteberry: too many sick friends ... and I'm grateful to hear from them when they can log on/in
Eliza Madrigal: Yakuzza, since you bring it up... >grin<.... are you engaging with the pauses lately?
Eliza Madrigal: Oh, yes indeed. Sorry to hear that Widget
Eliza Madrigal: And glad to hear they're getting better too!

Yakuzza Lethecus: i try to focus on a bodypart like my feed or a part of my skin
Yakuzza Lethecus: but nothing i really would belief is worth telling
Eliza Madrigal: You'd probably be very surprised about that Ya... sometimes the most mundane things unpack in wonderful ways or translate powerfully!

Yakuzza Lethecus: in fact besides the 9 seconds i read that the insurance company AIG made 8,9 billion dollars new debts
Yakuzza Lethecus: and those things constantly trigger thinking about my unability to understand our economic system
Eliza Madrigal: And if you could?
Yakuzza Lethecus: and that´s a blurry concern that get dominant
Yakuzza Lethecus: then i propably would get a good job in order to shut up ? :D
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol
Eliza Madrigal: haha
Yakuzza Lethecus: na, still it´s really kind of fearful to me that nobody really understands it
Eliza Madrigal: This seems just the kind of limitation we constantly run up against which can be an opportunity to dig into our personal practice more....
Eliza Madrigal: our weakness/inability is so *obvious* so there comes a sense of surrender...
Eliza Madrigal: which doesn't mean not trying to understand or apply ourselves... but also realizing we can't 'get it' all....
Eliza Madrigal: but we can make higher decisions from a higher knowing maybe? eventually....
Eliza Madrigal: in our little matters :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: i always think about the issue that i propable don´t know enough ppl, and ppl with a perspective on these things

Eliza Madrigal: then if you subscribe to anything like a holographic model, that has reverberations... ?
Yakuzza Lethecus: hehe, i don´t understand that either :)
Eliza Madrigal smiles... I have a link you may like...
Eliza Madrigal: one moment...
Yakuzza Lethecus: i know
Yakuzza Lethecus: newscienticst
Yakuzza Lethecus: the holographic universe
Eliza Madrigal: http://www.theonion.com/content/news...nds_to_halt_as
Yakuzza Lethecus: oh
Eliza Madrigal: No, this is sillier....
Eliza Madrigal: I think Storm shared it, or maybe Eos.... one of them anyway. hah
Yakuzza Lethecus: waiting on it to loead up :)
Eliza Madrigal: Ah :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, i would also say that money is an illusion if i would have 12-13 trillion debts :)
Eliza Madrigal: Well, the thing is, we all do....
Eliza Madrigal: and don't. heheh
Eliza Madrigal: Maybe I'm cynical... but I'm coming out of a long stretch of 'american dream' kind of thinking....
Eliza Madrigal: collective bubble bursts

Sorting and Distribution...

Yakuzza Lethecus: my ,,problem" seems just my unability to see things in a more differentiated way
Yakuzza Lethecus: ,,just fear" and don´t know how to come to a rational position
Yakuzza Lethecus: and the unability fears me
Eliza Madrigal: I wonder if you have ways that you sort through the knowledge you are accumulating, Ya?
Yakuzza Lethecus: and just saying those dumb corrupt idiot´s doesn´t really help
Eliza Madrigal: Writing, etc?
Yakuzza Lethecus: oh, i barly write things down, i have floating things around my mind propably to much but very unstructurized
--BELL--
Eliza Madrigal nods... this is why I ask.... I feel similar to you in many ways, voracious intake/study sometimes... but I'm helped I think by 1. meditation practice, exercizes 2. Writing...without those things I become overwhelmed...
Eliza Madrigal: fragmented
Eliza Madrigal: and then worry about that... 'trying' to change it
Eliza Madrigal: or 'fix' it
Yakuzza Lethecus: hmm, i think i try to get rid of the negativity on it and the notion of getting stuck over these thoughts
Yakuzza Lethecus: so i try to elaborate ,,dropping" on the fear of these thoughts, i don´t feel that i can really write down these issues in a structurized way
Eliza Madrigal: Not necessary to be structured...
Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, propably trying to express it just in a brainstorm
Yakuzza Lethecus: one moment i can think about how i come how i am today, why do i have trouble reading anything and never really learned to read
Yakuzza Lethecus: then i think that my parents never had those habits and i never got ,,primed" into it
Yakuzza Lethecus: then i already might think that it´s not fair and egaliterian for everyone
Eliza Madrigal: Ah, but you fixate on what you haven't figured out yet... or could be... missing maybe the astounding thing that you ARE so curious... a very rare quality

Yakuzza Lethecus: then i might already think that i am already one of the 1billion ppl who have a high standart of living
Yakuzza Lethecus: these thoughts are at most very simple
Yakuzza Lethecus: my issue is just that i want to know how i can elaborate on things i make myself fearfull about in order to loose my blurry fear
Eliza Madrigal nods
Eliza Madrigal: that's why I like tricks
Yakuzza Lethecus: and that would be ,,economics" math everything above calculus
Eliza Madrigal: :))
Eliza Madrigal: Well, maybe a sorting place would help (like writing) or a kind of vision of motive/intention.....
Yakuzza Lethecus: i often have the feeling that i can´t really bring my thoughts in words
Eliza Madrigal: me too :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: even when i listen to lectures about economics and hear something like ,,algorithmic online trading"
Yakuzza Lethecus: i fear math and then those ppl, have alogrithm´s to trade stocks
Yakuzza Lethecus: gosh, double my fearfulness :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol

Paranoia...

Eliza Madrigal: They also have high powered super computers to trade very quickly... don't worry, you ARE right that everything is rigged... hehehe
Yakuzza Lethecus: and only goldman sachs really came through the crisis very well
Yakuzza Lethecus: and is technologie today really created for the greatest happyness of the greatest number ?
Eliza Madrigal: technology itself isn't the issue.... losing sight is an issue, ya
Eliza Madrigal: lack of empathy, compassion....
Yakuzza Lethecus: oh, yes, but i believe that nobody got sight anymore
Eliza Madrigal: not seeing that 'other' is self...
--BELL--
Yakuzza Lethecus: and those who do better keep it for themselves because it got value
Yakuzza Lethecus: i mean i got a perfect way to make myself paranoid :)
Eliza Madrigal: well then what?
Eliza Madrigal: :)
Eliza Madrigal: does paranoia have energy in it to accomplish any of the fixing things you worry about?
Yakuzza Lethecus: hehe, the negativitiy is the issue, the motivation it triggers is good
Yakuzza Lethecus: so what i need to drop are the nagative emotions that make stuck
Yakuzza Lethecus: reading about FA Hayek, Schumpeter or contemporary economists is a good thing
Eliza Madrigal nods... so maybe read one or two people... people who don't rant....
Eliza Madrigal: read someone inspiring... or funny
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, i have to devlelop to be happy, not externalising happyness
Yakuzza Lethecus: i have to ,,be" happy :)
Eliza Madrigal: :)) Be being happy
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol
Yakuzza Lethecus: nods :)
Eliza Madrigal: get out of the way of the happiness already there :)
Yakuzza Lethecus: externalising happyness isn´t a good idea
Yakuzza Lethecus: like those studies about small children paining pictures
Yakuzza Lethecus: give one group candy and they will stop painting tomorrow in expectation they get candy
Yakuzza Lethecus: if they don´t get some
Eliza Madrigal nods... yes can be that way
Yakuzza Lethecus: lol, i was thinking about that in context of our former socialist part of germany
Yakuzza Lethecus: college ppl there earned LESS!
Yakuzza Lethecus: because the ppl made it possible for them
Yakuzza Lethecus: but still ppl did that not because of higher income sure on the longer term i guess most of the ppl would still have had ways there to get more income but ppl studied because of idealism
Yakuzza Lethecus: and it´s right to understand the world better
Yakuzza Lethecus: and i still ask myself what justifies somebody to earn 100 million dollars a year
Yakuzza Lethecus: like the boss of goldman sachs
Eliza Madrigal: Sure... understanding the world can be great... maybe understanding is more 'effective' when able to really assimilate into one's own life, where we are...

Yakuzza Lethecus: i don´t undestand the function of our financial system anymore
Yakuzza Lethecus: ah, sorry, i never understood it :D
Eliza Madrigal: Its a game, Ya...
Eliza Madrigal: haha, yes
Yakuzza Lethecus: yes, a game with real existences
Yakuzza Lethecus: a casino like las vegas or macau
Yakuzza Lethecus: but everyone is in it
Yakuzza Lethecus: and we can´t get out of the gametable while in fact in western europe and the states even the poor ppl are on the bright side of human life from a global perspective
Yakuzza Lethecus: so i really don´t know how to make sense of myself
Eliza Madrigal: hehe, what a great line
Yakuzza Lethecus: i think i would really need a place in SL where ppl are talking about economics more
Yakuzza Lethecus: to just read and let some problems be settled automatically
Yakuzza Lethecus: that often happens for me to follow a discussion and out of nowhere i year something which solves my concern about something specific
--BELL--
Yakuzza Lethecus: ok, i got to leave
Yakuzza Lethecus: bye you both!
Eliza Madrigal: Bye ya :)
Eliza Madrigal: hehe.. think Widget has been gone a while :)
Eliza Madrigal: C you later maybe
Yakuzza Lethecus: yeah, sadly i think she got more elaborated thoughts on some things i am thinking about
Yakuzza Lethecus: bye