After - San Francisco

This retreat has the feel of a dream that at first seems like 'nothing much' until one begins to write/tease it out, realizing some kind of endless richness. :)

One thing I scribbled to myself, somewhere along the way:
 
You can put all the components together, but can't make them 'work'. If you did, you'd have something less satisfying than what might arise on its own.

So, having written a bit about what came of _How We Play as Being_ conversations specifically

( Eliza: Taking a Look ), I wanted to share a little more personally about the dynamics of this urban retreat itself, from the perspective of someone to whom retreats are a very new experience.

1. I think 'retreats' are trickily named, perhaps in the same way that 'dreams' can be, or even 'second life'.

I say this because one may be placing themselves in a new setting, or a different setting, from the one they are in most often, with the people they most often share space with... but my experience is that there can be a strong attentiveness which kicks in... a strong sensitivity. It isn't about getting 'away'.

2. Retreats are not necessarily places to work on personal 'projects'.

Perhaps this is something related to my personal practice very specifically, but the 'plans' that I came to retreat with, to "get" clarity about this or that, were quickly upturned. I arrived feeling that I should 'use' the experience ... felt that would be *responsible* in a way, so as to justify time away from my family, to figure some big things out. However, there came instead a subtle exposing... a sense that these very agendas and plans of mine *were the way* I had/have been, and am probably right now, limiting my life and practice. :)

Little by little, tensions... frictions of me-dealing-with-me came up, and little by little invisible those were broken down... ultimately opening up in a way that I 'couldn't' have accomplished by taking a kind of ordinary "hands on" approach.

How can that not affect everything else? :)

3. I highly recommend the urban setting!

This has taken me a few weeks to be sure of, but with distance, as well as having recovered from the flu, I can see the ways in which the environment 'worked on' the group as a whole. The unpredictable nature of the settings, and the going back and forth from 'our little group' to 'the loud and busy world', were informing.

For instance, I felt almost 'forced quiet' at times... hyper sensitive.

During our long Tuesday walk, the busyness of the traffic, the strong breezes, the personalities of the neighborhoods, the diverse stores, the conversations about travel and adventures, the many dogs which people care for so well there... all of it, layered, was also quite stunningly, Simple.   

On Friday, the weather seemed to change every few minutes as we walked and walked, gazing out through the fog not only to the sky's glorious expansiveness, but also into turbulent seas... finishing up wandering 'just a little lost' down the highway... exhaustion that night providing deep deep rest which had been elusive before.      

Then of course, dealing with the feelings of ending the retreat, saying goodbyes, heading out to the airport... only to land on a bit of a roller-coaster ride of flight changes and cancellations. Though a decent day's pay in the way of a flight voucher, I couldn't help but shake my head and almost laugh/cry at the same time, in a kind of wonderment about the week as a whole.

Which brings me to:

4. Sadness and Happiness dance together.

We entered into retreat with a profound sense of those 'missing' due to the Islandic volcano, and speaking for myself, a confusion about how to be with that. I was extremely happy to see Pema, Eos, and Genesis again, delighted to have more time to get to know Stim better, and I was also *very* sad. I felt Gaya and Wol's absence profoundly, and the dichotomy of SL having allowed such intimate connections at such a great distance!

So the thing was, how to allow happiness, sadness, and with those a whole range of emotions, to surface and clear on a kind of continual basis.

These are the kinds of things one cannot really 'learn'. I've heard a million teachings *about* non-discrimination, about allowing all kinds of emotions and appearances to float up and let go. I've 'practiced' this in many ways. Sustained for days, however, there did seem to come a different and distinct texture... a natural process kicking in.

And then further I found myself missing not only my children at home, and the simple daily tasks associated with my life, but PlayasBeing sessions too...very much woven into my daily routines. 

I had determined not to bring a laptop, in order to focus and remind myself that I was 'on retreat' (remember that I arrived feeling I had things to accomplish ;-), and when neither Wol nor Gaya was able to arrive, I felt the distance not just of Europe/US, but of SL/"RL", and the value, as well as potential, of our sessions together.

In that sadness, it was easy to appreciate the ways that PaB adds a richness and nourishment to the *everyday ground*. This seemed to me a recognition of wholesomeness, which is a funny thing to say about virtual life. :) 

Yet again, distinctions between "this is healthy/this is unhealthy/this is unnatural/this is natural" sort of broke down. Nothing left out.              

Hm, so back to a favorite quote that Eos reminded us of as we first settled in:

"If the meditator is able to use whatever occurs in his life as the Path, his body becomes a retreat hut." Jigme Lingpa 

And again remembering Tilopa's words (Thanks Pema):

Let go of what has passed
Let go of what may come
Let go of what is happening now
Don’t try to figure anything out
Don’t try to make anything happen

Relax, right now, and rest 

With Thanks,                                              

-Eliza