After - San Francisco

This retreat has the feel of a dream that seems like 'nothing much' until one begins to write/tease it out, realizing some kind of endless richness. :)

One thing I scribbled to myself, somewhere along the way:
 
You can put all the components together, but can't make them 'work'. If you did, you'd have something less satisfying than what might arise on its own.

So, having written a bit about what came of _How We Play as Being_ conversations specifically,
I wanted to share a little more personally about the dynamics of this urban retreat itself, from the
perspective of someone to whom retreats themselves are a very new experience.

1. I think 'retreats' are trickily named, perhaps in the same way that 'dreams' can be, or even 'second life'.

I say this because one may be placing themselves in a new setting, or a different setting, from the one they are in most often, with the people they most often share space with... but my experience was that there can be a strong attentiveness which kicks in... a strong sensitivity. It isn't about getting 'away'.

2. Retreats are not places to work on personal 'projects'.

Perhaps this is something related to my personal practice specifically, but I found that the 'plans' that I came to retreat with, to figure out this, or "get" clarity about that, were quickly upturned. I came feeling that I should 'use' the time, the company... felt that would be *responsible* in a way, to justify time away from the family, etc. However, because the retreat was not getting 'away' in a sense of 'escape', there came a subtle exposing of a sense that these very agendas *were* the way I was limiting my life and practice.

Little by little, tensions... frictions of me-dealing-with-me came up, and little by little invisible agendas were broken down... ultimately opening up in a way that I 'couldn't' have accomplished by taking a kind of ordinary "hands on" approach.

3. I highly recommend the urban setting!

This has taken me a few weeks to be sure of, but the more distance I have, the more clearly I can see the ways in which the environment 'worked on' the group. The unpredictable nature of the settings, and going back and forth from 'our little group' to 'the loud and busy world', was informing. For instance, I felt almost 'forced quiet' at times... hyper sensitive. During our Tuesday walk in particular, the busyness of the traffic, the strong breezes, the personalities of the neighborhoods, the stores, the conversations about travel and adventures, the many dogs which people care for so well there... all of it, layered, was also quite stunningly, Simple.   

4. Sadness and Happiness dance together.

We entered into retreat with a profound sense of those 'missing' due to the Islandic volcano, and speaking for myself, a confusion about how to be with that. I was happy to see Pema, Eos, and Genesis again, delighted to have more time to get to know Stim better, and I was also *very* sad. I felt Gaya and Wol's absence profoundly, and the dichotomy of SL having allowed such intimate connections at such a great distance!

So the thing was, how to allow happiness, sadness, and with those a whole range of emotions, to surface and clear on a kind of continual basis.

These are the kinds of things one cannot really 'learn'. I've heard a million teachings *about* non-discrimination, about allowing all kinds of emotions and appearances to float up and let go. I've 'practiced' this in many ways. Sustained for days, however, there did seem to come a different and distinct texture... a natural process kicking in.

And then further I found, myself missing not only my children at home, and the simple daily tasks associated with my life, but PlayasBeing sessions online, too. I had determined not to bring a laptop, in order to focus and remind myself that I was 'on retreat' (remember that I arrived feeling I had things to accomplish ;-). When neither Wol nor Gaya was able to arrive, I felt the distance not just of Europe/US, but of SL/"RL", but more clearly the value of our sessions together... could appreciate the ways that PaB adds a richness and nourishment to the *everyday ground* of life. Yet again, distinctions between "this is healthy/This is unhealthy/This is unnatural/This is natural" sort of broke down. 

Nothing left out.

So back to a favorite quote that Eos often shares, and which he reminded us of as we first settled in:

"If the meditator is able to use whatever occurs in his life as the Path, his body becomes a retreat hut." Jigme Lingpa 

-Eliza