Who is Afraid?

I went for a walk today. My usual route, partially through the forest along a gravel path for walking. There are a few forest paths along the gravel path that go deeper in the forest and, for some reason, I felt like walking along one of those today. One that I hadn't walked before.

I found a grove of old trees with a peaceful feeling to it. I walked around there for a while absorbing the place and feeling the peace of the place. I stood eyes closed for a while in one place submerged in the feeling, then turned to a path that lead out of the grove to the other side of the forest.

Then I started hearing a sound that resembled the sound wasp makes and my old fear of wasps (or other flying insects with poisonous stingers) suddenly reared it's head and had me reverse my tracks after half a minute of hesitation and return to the gravel path I came in from.

I emerged from the forest to the path and continued along my usual route and had some thoughts pop up. I suddenly remembered one of my friends asking me why another friend likes to ask "who wants?" in reply to talking about wanting. I had initially said that the question doesn't have an answer but that it's the process of trying to find the answer that's it's purpose. Shortly after that, I remembered talking recently about us creating costumes for ourselves and taking them to be ourself.

It dawned on me then that the answer is that it's the costume that wants. After a moment, I recalled being afraid of the sound and realized that the question for me would be "Who is afraid?". The incident that started my fear of wasps came to mind. I was 4-5 years old at the time. Suddenly, it was no longer me who was afraid but I could "see" the 5 year old myself cowering in fear. I started, silently, within my mind, to speak to this child I saw.

"It's ok, you do not need to face the wasps for me anymore." I said. The child looked at me, surprised at being spoken to. "I can face them myself now. You can let go, you're free now" I continued. This continued for a moment with different variations and suddenly the child looked as if about to cry, suddenly vanished and I had tears well up in my eyes. Tears of relief and joy, no need to be afraid anymore. No longer am I a child with no means of coping. Even if stung, I can handle it.

The costume was this child. Whenever I was faced with the possibility of having a wasp close to me, this costume came to surface and it was this costume that feared the wasps.

27.09.2008