D. Fael

 I was invited to Fael's house for our conversation. The two of us sat very comfortably at a low table. Instead of the usual typing motion, our avatars instead nodded our heads while we talked. Fael explained that the pillows had been made by Moon and I tried to summarize what it was that was overriding the typing. Fael later sent me this correction "It's the pose. The pose only leaves the head unset so it moves according to other animations. The script in the pillow is a standard script for poseballs/pillows."

It felt very good sitting down with my "old friend" one on one as we often did last June. I have mentioned this elsewhere but Fael mentored me for the firt couple of weeks when I first arrived at PaB. I felt like a freshman and Fael was the sophmore who has seen everything and explained it to me. It was Fael who consoled me when I discovered my blog was public and it was Fael who talked me into accepting Pema's offer to be a guardian. Then Fael helped me be a guardian. Fael offered me tips on shopping and took me to hair stores. Often after everyone from a session had left, Fael would stay and answered my questions for another hour or so, often explaining what people had been saying. Needless to say, I have very fond memories of those first days at Dakini's teahouse at the Zen Retreat. Now it was time to get Fael's take on all that.

I started out a bit badly asking a vague question

Adams Rubble: How did you find Play as being?
Fael Illyar: Play as Being ... well, I got quite attached to the group right from the first meeting :)
Adams Rubble mistated the question :)
Adams Rubble: how did you find out about Play as Being?
Fael Illyar: Ah, Ayukam intoduced me to Hotaru who told me I should take a look :)
Fael Illyar: Said that she's sure I'll love it :)
Fael Illyar: Well, she was right :)
Adams Rubble: :)
Adams Rubble: Was your first session the one at Buyeo?
Fael Illyar: Ah, yes, it really was at Buyeo
Fael Illyar: although was supposed to be at the tea house
Adams Rubble: I understand the Rieul sim closed down
Fael Illyar: yes, I was told there had been a reboot
Fael Illyar: if Hotaru hadn't been online so I could ask what's up, it might have delayed my finding PaB, perhaps diverted me to another course.
Adams Rubble: wow, that is interesting :)

Isn't it interesting how our lives can be affected by little choices. Still both Fael and I did find our way to PaB

Adams Rubble: I was a bit delayed in finding PaB. I hung outside the teahouse for about a week before getting the courage to ask someone
Adams Rubble: You arived at PaB about a week before asnd you seemed so knowledgable to me so you jmust have learned a good deal in the first week
Adams Rubble: What was your first week like?
Fael Illyar: I pick things up fast but ... I did later find out that I'd been going on similar tangents by myself before too.
Adams Rubble: Can you say more?
Fael Illyar ponders what to say ... would you like an example?
Adams Rubble: Yes, that would be good :)
Fael Illyar: For example, the frightening realization I had one day in shower a few months before finding PaB. I think I mentioned about it. How, in a way, everything exists and equally nothing ... or more like, the existence or non existence is a meaningless concept in an absolute sense. My self was feeling horrified about what it meant for it's meaning.
Adams Rubble: Thank you, I don't think I knew about this. So you were very much ready for PaB then it seems
Fael Illyar: I did talk about it in one session but I hadn't yet translated it to more common vocabulary back then.
Fael Illyar: So what's there is a lot of talk about ... information.
Fael Illyar: what I meant with it didn't quite match how it's generally understood though
Fael Illyar: not the first time I've redefined a few words in my own thinking to be able to put words to some thoughts.
Fael Illyar: Makes it a bit difficult to make myself understood though :)
Adams Rubble: Yes, we seem to understand a little piece at a time
Adams Rubble: We can hear the same thing at different times and interpret it differently
Fael Illyar: but I really did include the most crucial bits of that now in one sentence :)
Fael Illyar: Back then it took 2 sessions until I felt there's nothing more to explain
Fael Illyar: this time it's mostly without fluff added by my logical mind :)
Adams Rubble: yes, that happens :)
Adams Rubble: I remember your enthusiasm at the time, did that change as the weeks passed?
Adams Rubble: Should I try to rephrase that?
Fael Illyar: perhaps :)
Adams Rubble: When we start we are enthusiastic and often attend multiple sessions a day which you certainly did
Adams Rubble: It is difficult to maintain that pace
Adams Rubble: What was your experience as you slowed down a bit?
Fael Illyar: Ok, this needs some reflection to answer :)
Fael Illyar: The reason I'm attending less is that I no longer feel that I need to work on myself that much.
Fael Illyar: at least not in the group setting
Fael Illyar: It's mostly in one to one conversations now that it happens for me.
Adams Rubble nods
Fael Illyar: That could be what determines how often I attend on a longer term basis.
Fael Illyar: That being said, it's not that easy to explain what is the motivation now when I do attend meetings ... I guess it's mostly for others there.
Fael Illyar: to meet with others, perhaps being able to help with something. Occasionally realizing something myself as well though.
Adams Rubble: Yes, I did want to bring up how helpful you have been in helping new particpants learn the ropes
Adams Rubble: So you continue your "practice" even though attending less ?
Fael Illyar: You could say I continue although it's no longer the main thrust of my life. More of a backdrop.
Adams Rubble listens
Fael Illyar: I no longer force myself to take a pause.
Fael Illyar: the bells are still ringing but I don't always even note them... at least I think I don't.
Adams Rubble: It would be intersting if you heard them unconsciously
Fael Illyar: and taking pauses ... is happening without really thining about it
Fael Illyar: and often without any bell
Fael Illyar: when it feels necessary

Changes

Adams Rubble: This may be redundant now, but has PaB changed your life at all?
Adams Rubble: In addition to the pasuses
Fael Illyar: Definitely :)
Adams Rubble listens
Fael Illyar: before PaB, I was kind of anxious being at places with lots of people. In proximity to the people that is. The first change I noticed was that I could just let that go.
Adams Rubble: Yes, i remember now...that is wonderful!
Fael Illyar: but that is, while big, in a way the smallest change of what has changed :)
Fael Illyar: but ... for someone who doesn't have a view of what goes on in my mind and doesn't spend a lot of time with me, the changes aren't very visible.
Fael Illyar: at least not yet
Adams Rubble: Hmmm. Others may see changes more than we think :)
Adams Rubble: But I feel the same way
Fael Illyar: depends on the person :)
Adams Rubble nods
Fael Illyar: and how much time they spend with me :)
Adams Rubble nods again
Fael Illyar: I feel I'm more active with doing things these days.
Fael Illyar: no longer just waiting for whatever that looks like a nice way to spend time with. Instead I'm actively making things... well, mostly in SL so far but still :)
Fael Illyar: but that's partially something that starting SL got started.
Fael Illyar: but after starting PaB, there's a big difference in scale.
Fael Illyar: or perhaps not just SL ... I've had some tendency towards that even before but haven't been able to give it as much room as I'd have wished.
Fael Illyar: I remember often having times when I was feeling down about having nothing to do. Not because there weren't things to do but because I did not want to do any of those.
Adams Rubble: Are you feeling greater energy?
Fael Illyar: I've been finding out what it is that's been keeping me from being able to be fully active and resolving those, one way or another.
Adams Rubble: That is a wonderful way to put it
Fael Illyar: but, yes, I guess you could call it greater energy :)

Faenik

Adams Rubble: Now, anyone who reads back over the logs will be curious about someone else who appears in th e logs
Adams Rubble: whenever you are there
Adams Rubble: The delightful Faenik
Fael Illyar: Ah, Faenik was supposed to be on my shoulder just for a short while so I could make sure the script works as intended :)
Fael Illyar: but it ended up being a period of months :)
Adams Rubble: The first time everyone heard Faenik they wondered where the other voice was coming from
Fael Illyar: at some point, around 3 months ago, I started forgetting to wear Faenik again and eventually didn't feel like wearing him anymore ... I have to say I'm still not quite sure why.
Fael Illyar: He was quite instrumental in providing the correct comments every now and then on many occasions. Especially so for me.
Adams Rubble: Yes he was :)
Adams Rubble: It was uncanny
Fael Illyar: but... I can't recall having that kind of moments after I stopped wearing him.
Fael Illyar: maybe I'm now able to put the things that are necessary to words myself so I no longer need to have him there saying things randomly.
Adams Rubble smiles
Fael Illyar: Also, Adelene now has Squee who looks rather different and has different vocabulary from Faenik, so something quite similar is still sometimes present in the meetings :)
Adams Rubble: yes Squee is
Adams Rubble: Faenik's responses were short and quick :)
Fael Illyar: but Squee has Faenik's script inside him :) Adelene has modified it though.
Adams Rubble: Oh I did not know that
Adams Rubble: Any favorite memory of PaB?
Fael Illyar: hmmh... no favourites, really ...
Fael Illyar: Sorry, being a bit of a letdown in this part :)
Adams Rubble: any memory that is pleasing?
Adams Rubble: a little anecdote?
Fael Illyar: I can remember events if there's something that relates t them but pleasing is wide enough characteristic that nothing crystallizes from my memory with that, unfortunately.
Adams Rubble: there is a story about Pema and you and Finnish. Wasn't he convinced you were someone else?
Adams Rubble: (would you rather not answer that?)
Fael Illyar: Ah, Pema was somehow convinced I was someone else he knew at the beginning
Fael Illyar: I found it mostly amusing :)
Adams Rubble: :)
Adams Rubble: Are you surprised at the number of guardians?
Fael Illyar: No, not really. That's pretty much the number of people participating :)