Day 6

We had someone deliver a package today. I know him well - he is dad of someone that used to come to the OpenCafe a lot - one of our main "geek" friends ;).

First I was wondering if he remembers me - or would mention something beyond the usual "parcel chat" - but once I got closer to the gate - I saw him smiling already - even the other guy smiled that came with him.

The dad has this funny Lincoln beard - looked really cheerful today. Once I signed for the package he started talking about his son "Tobie is still working at the airport and he might be coming later again to visit me" - he smiled. I was delighted that he would start a little chat - it feels special when somoene's dad feels that its ok to start a little conversation.

I took the package and waved good bye - then went inside to reflect a bit on it all .... its great when someone that delivers packages - is a friend... that I can chat with...I really appreciate when it similar convos happen - it makes my day.

I rang the social worker who has just been assigned to me and was supposed to come and see me this afternoon. She said she got caught up in other things. But we had a conversation by phone about my careworker’s situation. But though I am used to dealing with people at a distance and online, I wonder if there isn’t a person to person physical dimension that is necessary when it comes to health care? I’m waiting for equipment; she checked up but they won’t give her a time for when it will arrive.

I find it difficult knowing how to put my case. Should I exaggerate and say I am really desperate? I tend to underplay it. Perhaps it’s best to just put the facts as neutrally as possible. So many people seem to become involved, from the occupational therapists to the district nurse to the actual care workers and then the district nurse, the social worker and the duty officer and different perspectives are added to your case. I notice decisions tend to be thrown back to me, but people in health services should be far better qualified than me to make them. edited 18:53, 27 Mar 2013

I did not plan it this way, but got to spend time with a friend I'd not seen for 27 years. She and I have made "sure let's get together soon" kinds of plans a few times, so I didn't really expect that it would happen. It was a short time, though 4 times the intended 20 minute window. : )

I arrived to the ice cream shop earlier than she, and after a while noticed four feet approaching (the rest of she and her beautiful young daughter obscured by signage). By the time they reached the door I was standing on the other side a bit like a nervous puppy, having recalled she and I playing and making beds in the walk in closet of her mother's apartment bedroom when we were kids in Jr High. I wondered how much she remembered of my home.

When we hugged, I felt the long curly hair that had grown all the way down her back, which was still damp. Before I knew I was doing it, I began playing with her ringlets a little, making them bounce, at which she pulled away and looked at me oddly. I contained myself... too familiar a first greeting. :)

As for many of my friends from that time, life has been challenging. While her quiet daughter enjoyed ice cream, only occasionally looking up to smile or say a few words, what came across from my friend in the stories of her realized potential and coming to terms with deep and continual loss, was incredible strength.

She was regal actually... somehow her very character had muscle. I could see her twelve/thirteen year old face in the tanned and articulate woman facing me. I'd not remembered her as studious, yet what did I know. Besides, the words were so far from the point. it was more of an energy exchange and acknowledgement.. an "I see you" that only an old friend can convey. And we did, see each other.

We took a picture at the end for mutual friends, and I so wished that she lived closer. edited 21:45, 27 Mar 2013

I really enjoyed this one Liz - and loved reading your stories - and hear about conversations from more intimate inner angles. Today every conversation I had with kids, people online - I put more focus on listening and not just "doing the motions" and I loved how it felt - and noticed how they appreciated that I am focusing fully on them <3

That is how I read reading you too, Sun. Ty so much <3. Just taking notes this way for a day reveals so many opportunities that come up for close connection.

a conversation about music with a musician I truly admire ... completely surprised me as I listened and heard more than the music commentary ... cues from face to face ... a depth not often realized except on an unconscious level perhaps ... found myself listening on that level as well ... feeling the conversation as well as hearing it ... feeling the effects of my words being received and bouncing back to me also ... thought about it all day.

A conversation turned to anger hurt rebounded hurt as both sides stopped listening to each other.
A never ending circle of pain that I try to break only to fall flat on my nose and respond in hurt with accusations that do no good. Lessons learned as pain explodes across the scene. One of these days I will learn to walk away and let anger be.
I sit in Timmies drinking hot chocolate contplating where I could have been different in the conversation to bring healing to the pain.

Came a little late to this, with no person to converse with, but found a way in, or at least conversations did...

listening to my inner conversations as I drove the car
many of them were with you, dear readers :-)
plus my very own color commentator, moi,
broadcasting at least to myself


(((

the opening bracketing
a form of 'remember to recognize'
just what you are doing
attention to senses
the air the walls the room the breath
as well as to conversing

sometimes the closing bracketing is forgotten
until the next opening
but if not
it is embrace
bow out

)))

I couldn't write here yesterday as my husband needed the computer.

I did find it difficult to make sure there was a conversation while letting go of expectations.

I listened to my children, during breakfast and walking to school, and noticed that I don't always give them as much openness as I could.
I also listened to my husband while doing some chores. This is quite hard for me, as I easily hear an accusation (that I don't do enough) when all he means to say is a fact (that we need to find a way to keep the house cleaner).

I noticed that for me the problem with expectations is not so much that they make me say things, or hear or not hear them, but mainly that I don't show certain things when I am fearful of their reception.

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