Day 7

Woke an hour before the alarm this morning, before anyone else was awake. Spring Break for the kids is wonderful in being able to follow natural rhythms a bit more. I threw a skirt into the dryer to remove some wrinkles, poured coffee, and planted myself on the sofa until the alarm would ring. I'd forgotten how loud and squeaky the dryer is... that it sounds like a seagull and ten mice are trapped inside. I stayed planted in a kind of "okay its you and me" mode, smiling, sipping coffee. After a moment the sound of cars on the street a few blocks away came to the fore then receded making way for some kind of birds at a distance. And then there were the word thoughts continuing from yesterday and the picture thoughts. These were sounds too.

At some point I remembered the loud squeaking and when I checked, sure enough it was still there. edited 13:54, 28 Mar 2013

Sounds like zazen or shikantaza to me – a kind of open awareness. I find it so difficult not to attach judgements or evaluations. For instance, someone is washing the Marine gangways with a pressure hose using a noisy pump whilst I sit here meditating. The word "noisy" is already an evaluation. I don't need to be glad or sad about events or happenings in my life, I just need a kind of neutrality. No, perhaps that's wrong, it's more like feeling happy or sad but kind of detached and accepting of both states.

the clock tick tocks, the cars go by on the road, the kids yell at the school across the street, the humm of the fan on the computer as I sit.
All slide past, slipping away, far away as I sink deeper into myself.
Silent conversations that never stop. The narrative of my life writing out each word, each action, soft whispers in my mind. SHhhhh I say enough now.......
the ticking of the clock becomes dominate, striking a corresponding pounding of my heat beat
lifes blood pulsing through my veins.....
emotionless at the moment, all spent out is tears this morning.....
is there clarity after the storm?
no one knows
fear remains
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain." Dune
I new mantra perhaps......along with patience and compassion
exhaustion sets in.... and I drift on the sea of sounds......slowing myself down down down
only to think it's time to move on
Not sure if I was 15 min or not.... forgot to look at the ticking clock..

Quiet autumn night ...bit tired from all the day's activities .... but wanted to still listen into the moment ... I have been so busy lately ...and find it hard again to stop. I have so many ideas, so many plans, lets change the world and stuff ;) Sitting a bit and tuning in ....wow so quiet .... not even a dog barking outside .... then there is a car passing. Liz says it can be my breathing .... mmm yes I can hear that also but so not used to that ...listening to my breathing...then back to the noisy world - top gear is on tv in the other room - familiar voices of Jeremy and the others ... . I love how everything makes a sound, noise, bark, or just a shhhhhh.

Got to this quite late - although throughout the day I had been setting up little opening brackets, and, after some interval (if I remembered) closing brackets. Which led to wondering what is it that putting space and time in our own little brackets does :-)

I sat in my room, quite late. Utterly quiet. Literally, not a sound. Very unusual. Just some hiss in my ears - not sure if I'm hearing it or making it or both. Toward the end of the 15 minutes a sound started up outside. Annoying and familiar - now I'm living with that, in the brackets. Sonar sound suddenly dings loudly. Bow back. Go on.