2015.01.23 01:00 - Protection, Isolation, Chances at Knowing

The Guardian for this meeting was Wol, but she who posted wept, too...

Wol Euler: hello Cat
Catrinamonblue Resident: morning Wol :)
Wol Euler: happy slightly-used year :)
Catrinamonblue Resident: thank you :) and to you too
Wol Euler smiles.

Wol Euler: I was sorry to hear in That Other Place about your mother passing.
Catrinamonblue Resident: Thank you, it's been a bit surreal...
Wol Euler listens.
Catrinamonblue Resident: she had a hard time being in close relationships
Catrinamonblue Resident: I hadn't seen her in many years with only 2 email attemps at communication
Wol Euler nods.
Catrinamonblue Resident: right now life seems the the same and yet I think I was always hoping so life is also different
Catrinamonblue Resident: its hard to put into words
Wol Euler: different because the chance is now gone?
Catrinamonblue Resident: yes and sad for the loss of that possibility
Wol Euler nods.

Wol Euler: it's something like tossing a coin high in the air, while it is still flying it might land heads or tails; and then suddenly it does land and the toss is decided.
Catrinamonblue Resident: nods
Wol Euler: how did you come to be estranged from her? (if that's ok)
Catrinamonblue Resident: she grew up in an alcoholic home but was the baby born after they had last a baby.... so spoiled and yet controlled environment....... didn't learn to grow up
Wol Euler listens.
Catrinamonblue Resident: She had me when she was 20... still a child.... while she was ok when we were little, when we grew up and disagreed with her she couln't seem to see that we still loved her
Catrinamonblue Resident: felt that we were being abusive towards her so she cut off relations

--BELL--

Wol Euler sighs.
Catrinamonblue Resident: the saddest part of this, the thing that bothers me the most is how she died. That she wasn't found for a week and at that it was a fluke she was found then.....
Wol Euler: yes, that struck me too. That is very sad, because it suggests that she didn't just cut off from her children...
Wol Euler: she must have had no close friends who missed her, or at least they didn't know what to do about it
Catrinamonblue Resident: no, in the fall of 2013 she sold her house that she had been in for about 30 years and disapeared... no one knew where she went
Catrinamonblue Resident: she cut off relations with even friends... I think to try to have a new start...
Wol Euler nods.
Wol Euler: how old was she?
Catrinamonblue Resident: 61
Wol Euler: that seems young still from where I sit :)
Catrinamonblue Resident: yes it is
Wol Euler: poor woman, and poor you to have to deal with it :(
Wol Euler reaches across and gives your hand a squeeze.
Catrinamonblue Resident: squeezes back thank you

Catrinamonblue Resident: it just feels so strange though, I grieved long ago for the mother I would never had so there is no grief left for me but I feel somehow I should
Wol Euler nods.
Wol Euler: I was about to ask about you, how you were coping with the loss and the event.
Catrinamonblue Resident: sigh... I'm not sure really. I have lots of support around me for which I'm grateful
Wol Euler nods.
Catrinamonblue Resident: but my usual outlet of fb is a not open due to family and such and I feel unsure of what to say
Wol Euler: you can say what you like here (unless your family also knows about the PaB wiki)
Catrinamonblue Resident: I generally put my life out in the open, a bit strange to keep something quiet
Wol Euler hands you the Talking Stick.

Catrinamonblue Resident: none of the family is here :) which is why I came :)
Wol Euler: mmhmm :)
Catrinamonblue Resident: thank you
Wol Euler: so: what do you need to say that is not for their ears?

Catrinamonblue Resident: that she was a good woman in many ways
Catrinamonblue Resident: that she taught me some things that have been a building block of who I am
Catrinamonblue Resident: and that I wish with all my heart she could have known and understood me
Catrinamonblue Resident: as I wish I could have known and understood her better
Catrinamonblue Resident: no one is all bad... we are a mix
Catrinamonblue Resident: there are so many things I wish could have been understood.... sigh. but even if she hadn't died now it still would have been the same 10 or 20 years from now I think

--BELL--

Catrinamonblue Resident: it's so hard when people put up walls around themselves, they think it's for protection but really it only isolates....
Wol Euler nods.
Wol Euler: people often expect their walls to be one-way only, keeping others away but still letting them out. It doesn't work that way.
Catrinamonblue Resident: no it doesn't
Catrinamonblue Resident: am I a strange one for being so open? sometimes I wonder
Wol Euler smiles.
Catrinamonblue Resident: I don't seem to hold things back, saying what is in the moment true for me
Wol Euler: better open than totally shut off and shut in
Wol Euler: I would say
Catrinamonblue Resident: yes I do think so but find so many shut in....
Wol Euler nods.

Wol Euler: you are always welcome to come here (at 4am!) to my sessions when you wish to talk about ... well anything :)
Catrinamonblue Resident: smiles
Catrinamonblue Resident: thank you :)
Wol Euler: of course :)
Wol Euler: I was reading back over what you said, that you were born after they lost a child.
Catrinamonblue Resident: I think it's going to take time to sort out my feelings about her, relationships are very complex. So many threads tangled together.
Wol Euler nods.
Catrinamonblue Resident: no, my mother was born after her parents had lost a baby
Wol Euler: oh, she was
Wol Euler: right
Wol Euler: sorry
Catrinamonblue Resident: yes so was spoiled,
Catrinamonblue Resident: and yet had the chaos of an alcoholic home
Wol Euler nods.
Wol Euler: either one would be bad enough, but both ...
Catrinamonblue Resident: nods, she was held to a different set of rules than her older brothers and sister
Wol Euler: I bet they were pleased.
Catrinamonblue Resident: my aunt has been like a mother to me

Wol Euler: I infer that she had no contact to them either?
Catrinamonblue Resident: no, she felt they didn't understand her...
Wol Euler nods.
Catrinamonblue Resident: I had to go through her personal papers to find the will.... it was strange to see and read her stuff....
Wol Euler listens.
Catrinamonblue Resident: she would make little notes to herself with inspirational sayings
Catrinamonblue Resident: a strange way to try to get to know your mother ;p
Catrinamonblue Resident: but something that struck my sister was that she had pictures of us
Catrinamonblue Resident: not out where everyone could see but
Catrinamonblue Resident: close at hand to be pulled out and looked at

--BELL--

Wol Euler nods.
Catrinamonblue Resident: I think as much as she tried to keep us away, as much as she tried to deny it, she knew she was still a mom........
Catrinamonblue Resident: I like to think that she still loved us

Wol Euler: such a sad end to a life
Catrinamonblue Resident: yes
Wol Euler: yes, I think so
Wol Euler: the photos suggest that
Catrinamonblue Resident: yes, my sister thought so
Wol Euler: it occurs to me that you haven't mentioned your father, her husband
Catrinamonblue Resident: they should never have gotten married.... they divorced when I was a teen.... he is on my fb but only because he requested contact after many years.... he's sick and prob won't live long......
Wol Euler sighs.
Catrinamonblue Resident: I don't have much of a relationship with him....
Catrinamonblue Resident: they were both abusive in their own ways
Wol Euler: I'm getting a very sad picture of your childhood.
Catrinamonblue Resident: which I don't remeber much of and am happy to leave it there... the present is a much happier place
Catrinamonblue Resident: here and now sharing time with a dear friend :)
Wol Euler smiles.
Wol Euler: it's mutual :)
Catrinamonblue Resident: :)
Wol Euler: I'm pleased that you came out of it sane and happy
Catrinamonblue Resident: many many years of therapy :)
Wol Euler chuckles.
Catrinamonblue Resident: and sheer determination too, it was hard work
Wol Euler: at least you had the sense and the perseverance to seek it out and go through the process
Catrinamonblue Resident: nods
Wol Euler: perhaps you might consider writing something about your mother, and your relationship(s) with her. Not necessarily for publication anywhere, but to see what comes out

--BELL--

Catrinamonblue Resident: smiles.. I have already been composing in my head... it will soon come into being :)
Wol Euler smiles.
Catrinamonblue Resident: I think I'll go and snuggle up with a certain someone for a half hour before the alarm goes off. :) thank you Wol for letting me vent
Wol Euler: hehehe
Wol Euler: my pleasure!
Wol Euler: and thank you so much for venting
Wol Euler smiles.
Catrinamonblue Resident: :)
Wol Euler: take care

Wol Euler: and I wish you both plenty more delicious and well photographed meals
Catrinamonblue Resident: mmm yes :) thank you
Wol Euler: bye for now