2014.05.20 - 28

Rolled out of bed and onto the cushion, head full of fog and vague grumbling noises of discontent from the monkeys. It's really a struggle this time around, I feel like I've moved backwards from the heady days of the first PaB retreats.

Wol, my friend, I sometimes think that the feeling of "moving backwards" is a blessing. For very often then it brings an opportunity to pause and take a look at my projected journey or my mode of transport, and get a clean perspective that can seldom be had whilst in the midst of things.

I find sometimes that that backwards step allows me to reassess with questions such as "Is this really where I want to be going?", "Is it worth it? or "Is this the best way to travel?" Sometimes the answers surprise, but then I can fine tune, make adjustments, plough* in, or, in some circumstances, set out on a completely different path.

But whichever we choose and however we answer, we can do so having had the opportunity for full contextual awareness that a step backward gives us. And isn't that more profitable than blindly careering upon our once chosen course without reassessing our selves or our circumstances as we go?

In other words, I see a backwards step as part of the journey - of most journeys - and as precious as those many forward steps!

* plow, says my spell checker, reminding me that after five years here, I really should be able to 'tawk' like an American. ;-)

Don't you dare learn to speak like the rest of us, Storm! :)

A friend recently lost his grandmother, and when he was describing the tremendous guilt that he was feeling, there were so many "should haves" for him. I could see so clearly a picture of an opening and something moving in to the space of loss, and that in his case the default emotion, or the one that comes in seeming loudest, is guilt. On a number of other occasions guilt was at the forefront of his trying to see through to address a problem or fix a relationship, and also the guilt was only active when he was indeed doing a lot for the situation or person... even all that he could do.

I couldn't really relate to how he was coping, but I could relate to the deep loss. And I could remember that for each person there is likely a different 'go to' emotion or response that comes up first, or loudest. I've been asking myself what mine is... maybe stoicism at first to get distance and defer feeling is part of it. Another part is something I really dislike, a kind of "why me and what now!?"

That happened after my eye appointment today when the doctor kept re-taking a test over and over again due to cloudiness in one eye... am too young for the beginnings of cataracts but that may be happening, along with the lesser deal of needing stronger lenses.

So the teeth thing, the eye thing... I mean, I have to laugh. It is like when moving out of the house last year and everything went screwy... air conditioning, appliances, ants rushing in. Then this year with the car not letting me part from it just yet by handing me a huge bill. Maybe I need to clarify that I'm not trying to leave my body with all these changes I'm making, just changing insurances, and it will all be OK. :)

Off to sit now.

Came back to add that, there IS laughter. Almost always laughter... not a cynical sort but a sense of accepting one's part in the struggles of larger humanity. edited 19:37, 20 May 2014

Day began with sitting, prelude to mostly medical themes around hospital procedure, attendants noticing exceptionally low heart rate of 36, more typical of long distance runners than of relative sedentaries like me. Slightly zoned out from daytime sleeping. Also noticing diff between identifying as sleepy mind and that awareness noticing. Cat and mouse and watching, or, as Eliza said, there IS laughter.