2015.02.11 01:00 - Space to Make Decisions

The Guardian for this meeting was No Self. The comments are by No Self.

Avaline DeCuir smiles
Avaline DeCuir: Good morning love
Darren Islar: hey, good mornign sweet
Avaline DeCuir: ohhh bare chest today *grins*
Darren Islar: na. need to find something
Darren Islar: anything you like to discuss?
Avaline DeCuir: nothing in particular comes to mind ... it is a bit numb at the moment
Darren Islar: thinks

Darren Islar: how about regret?
Darren Islar: or maybe I should say, how personal is regret?
Avaline DeCuir: interesting subject
Avaline DeCuir: hmmm
Avaline DeCuir: I think that regret has to be personal ... like all feelings
Darren Islar: yes, you own it ... but it often gives feelings of guilt or shame
Avaline DeCuir: is it possible to regret something that relates more to somoeone else than to yourself?
Darren Islar: in the compassionate way it is about the other, in the 'personal' way, it's about you
Darren Islar: is that a fair statement?
Avaline DeCuir: yes .. but I think that regret itself is always personal
Avaline DeCuir: we can't regret for others
Darren Islar: no, we can feel ashamed for others, though it is your own personal feeling as well ... regret is something you personally own
Avaline DeCuir: yes
Avaline DeCuir: I think that some people try to push their regret on to others by blaming them .. but that is a different matter
Darren Islar: well, it's part of the regret that is only about the person
Darren Islar: it becomes a guilt-trip then and you like to get rid of it as soon as possible, or at least share it
Avaline DeCuir: yes .. some people do .. others take it inside and let it gnaw at them from the inside

--BELL--

Darren Islar: yes, which often leads to depressive situations
Avaline DeCuir: and some people accept their responsibility for what has happened .. or became .. or didn't become ... and then let it go .. determining to make better choices next time
Darren Islar: yes, that sounds like a healthy way to deal with regret, you draw your conclusions, know you can't change the situations anymore and you move on
Avaline DeCuir: yes .. it would be a much happier and healthier world if everyone was able to do that
Darren Islar: yes, and it really changes the person who has the regret

Avaline DeCuir: There are things I regret doing .. and not doing in my life .. I think that is part of getting older ... some of those things perhaps I can do now ... or in the future .. others I will never be able to do again .. like dancing
Avaline DeCuir: but I often think that although I know I can no longer dance ... I will be able to again in my next life .. so there isn't really any reason to regret opportunities lost in this life
Darren Islar: yes, that's a different kind of regret, but regret as well .. it's the loss of something valuable
Avaline DeCuir: I tend to think about myself ... that although things might have been different with different choices ... I made the choices I did for good reason ... and it shouldn't mean that no new choices are open to me .. just different choices
Darren Islar: at some point you start to make choices in your life that sets you on a certain track
Darren Islar: *puts
Darren Islar: with some things you can go back, with others you don't
Avaline DeCuir: true

Avaline DeCuir: I don't think there are any really unchangeable decisions ... we may have to change in a different direction from what we might have chosen originally .. but we still have choices
Avaline DeCuir: about the only unchangeable decision is to end your life .. that is kind of irreversible
Darren Islar: yes, but they become harder or move in a smaller space
Avaline DeCuir: maybe .. and maybe not ... I think it is a matter of looking at things differently
Darren Islar: but I don't think that when you grow older, you can't start again
Avaline DeCuir: being more open minded instead of allowing ourselves to fence ourselves in
Darren Islar: yes
Avaline DeCuir: I think the important thing is to be willing to admit you made a wrong choice
Avaline DeCuir: instead of hanging on trying to make it right
Darren Islar: yes, the last one is trying ot make something right which isn't .. in the long term that will only cause more problems
Avaline DeCuir: yes
Darren Islar: and maybe we had less choice than we now think we had
Avaline DeCuir: true .. and maybe we have more choice now than we think we have
Darren Islar: also true

--BELL--

Darren Islar: with growing older in a way we have, since we know now where we made our mistakes, and certain needs has decreased, like being the best or other group-things
Avaline DeCuir: yes we tend to lose the need to prove ourselves to others as we get older
Darren Islar: yes
Darren Islar: , so more space to make decisions which are really about us
Avaline DeCuir: yes
Darren Islar: in a way life gets easier when we grow older
Avaline DeCuir: yes .. in otherways it gets harder .. physically for example
Avaline DeCuir: but in many ways it is easier
Darren Islar: yes, the physical part can be really hard
Darren Islar: and can shorten your options
Avaline DeCuir: I am not sure it necessarily shortens or limits options .. it just changes them somewhat
Avaline DeCuir: it only really shortens options if you try to fit yourself in the boxes that other people tell you that you should belong to
Darren Islar: it depends I think, will mostly depend on your creativity
Avaline DeCuir: yes that is true
Darren Islar: and yes, you need to think outside the box more
Avaline DeCuir: it takes a very creative mind to find a way out of the boxes that they have built up through life .. of expectations ... and other peoples expectations of us ...
Darren Islar: yes!
Darren Islar: and a mind of self-consciousness
Avaline DeCuir: yes
Avaline DeCuir: sometimes it is hard to let go of dreams we have held for a long time and not fully realised as well
Darren Islar: some people seem to harden in the choices they made, not seeing even that they actually wanted to make other choices and blocking their creativity
Darren Islar: it is
Darren Islar: I think that's the regret
Darren Islar: there you are

Darren Islar: He who arrives at the state of indifference without experiencing interest in life is incomplete and apt to be tempted by interest at any moment; but he who arrives at the state of indifference by going through interest really attains the blessed state. Bowl of Saki, February 11, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

--BELL--

Darren Islar: do you still have anything to add?
Avaline DeCuir: nothing
Darren Islar: do you have anything to add? that sounds different :)
Darren Islar: ok, then let's go home