2009.02.25 19:00 - Pushing Buttons

 

The Guardian for this meeting was stevenaia Michinaga. The comments are by stevenaia Michinaga.

I arrived with Adelene Dawner and Lia Rikugun following shortly.  I had a specific topic in mind this evening and wasn't sure where it would go.  There has been much interaction between people recently in the group (and outside the group) with some having their "buttons pushed" by others and their comments. I thought it may be a good time to see what came up. 

Adelene Dawner: ^.^ *purrr*
stevenaia Michinaga: have a seat...smile
Adelene Dawner: heh
Adelene Dawner: How's things?
stevenaia Michinaga: good, I'm on my old computer tonight, forgot my power cord at work :(
stevenaia Michinaga: so I may be crashing more
Adelene Dawner: :(
stevenaia Michinaga: but we shall see, U started from a new copy of SL since I was giving it to my son to use
stevenaia Michinaga: I started
Adelene Dawner: *nods*
stevenaia Michinaga: hello Lia
Adelene Dawner: Hi Lia ^.^
Lia Rikugun: hello steve hello adele
stevenaia Michinaga: have you been here before, I seem to remember you from a while ago?
Lia Rikugun: i was here before :)
stevenaia Michinaga: ...smiles, welcome
Lia Rikugun: i am also a guardian ;)
Lia Rikugun: now
Lia Rikugun: i had my first session last saturday
Lia Rikugun: yeah
Adelene Dawner: Hi, Buddha ^.^
stevenaia Michinaga: ok, I was there I believe
Lia Rikugun: hello buddha
stevenaia Michinaga: hello Buddha'
stevenaia Michinaga: after reading some recent email I was wondering if we can talk about buttons, as in how people push other people's buttons,
stevenaia Michinaga: do you understand the concept, buddha?
Lia Rikugun: red buttons?
Lia Rikugun: maybe you can explain steve please
stevenaia Michinaga: I remember Red buttons
Adelene Dawner doesn't recognize 'red buttons' but knows what Steve means.
buddha Nirvana: I think so stevenaia, yes
Adelene Dawner: Hi, Syl ^.^

Sylectra Darwin joins us

Sylectra Darwin: Hi!
Lia Rikugun: hello syl
stevenaia Michinaga: this goes along with a similar concept mentioned in another session..patience
stevenaia Michinaga: hi sylectra
Sylectra Darwin: good to see you :)
stevenaia Michinaga: I was bringing up the idea of discussion "pushing peoples buttons" tonight
stevenaia Michinaga: idea
Sylectra Darwin: might be a good one!
stevenaia Michinaga: living with several teenagers, sylectra, you must have a clearer sence of what I mean
stevenaia Michinaga: ...grins
Lia Rikugun: :)
stevenaia Michinaga: I have what I call a very hi tolerance for such interaction
Sylectra Darwin: yes, but i don't think they are pushing buttons, per se. Just being who they are.
Adelene Dawner: Pila! ^.^
stevenaia Michinaga: i.e., rarely does my blood pressure rise in situations that would drive most people mad
Pila Mulligan: greetings
Lia Rikugun: I must think of the words of a professor who was at CMU giving his "last lecture" Randy Pausch maybe you know who said: you need tp be patient with everybody because at some point each person will surprise you
stevenaia Michinaga: right, the buttons are what you wear, not what they are pushing

buddha Nirvana and Pila Mulligan joins us

stevenaia Michinaga: hello Pila
Lia Rikugun: hello pila
stevenaia Michinaga: welcome
Sylectra Darwin: Hi Pila.
Pila Mulligan: hi everyone
buddha Nirvana: i think we also touched on this a few nights back albeit slightly to the side- boundaries
Sylectra Darwin: Another way of saying it would be "getting under my skin"
buddha Nirvana: thats a possible result, yes
stevenaia Michinaga: yes, but it's you who are the one getting under you own skin
stevenaia Michinaga: or everyone in the room would go mad at the same time
buddha Nirvana: i think its perhaps us who push our own buttons
Sylectra Darwin: indeed, that is the challenge before me, going from living alone in a nice clean apartment to living with many others in s seething pit of chaos.
stevenaia Michinaga: mass annoyance would break out
Sylectra Darwin: Surprisingly, the noise and messes don't bother me as much as I thought they might.
stevenaia Michinaga: hmm, pit of chaos, have you ever thought of that as a book title
Sylectra Darwin: However, the emotional drama is almost too much to bear. Sometimes I want to say HEY! Your little fit isn't amounting to anything worthwhile in your life.
stevenaia Michinaga: and I'm sure that works
Sylectra Darwin: I haven't said it out loud :)
stevenaia Michinaga: lol
Sylectra Darwin: But I do try to get them to look outside themselves when the self pity wells up.
stevenaia Michinaga: I received a letter from a former client recently who , on the surface thanked me for referring a contractor to her who did a wonderful job he did for her some 9 months ago . the she proceeds to explain all the wonderful attributes about this person, I thought it was nice and read it to a friend
stevenaia Michinaga: my friend said that it was the most passive aggressive thank you she had ever heard basically pointing out all the attributes that were lacking in the relationship between the client and me.... I completely missed it
Sylectra Darwin: wow, do you think the client deliberately did that?
stevenaia Michinaga: basically suggesting I should be insulted
stevenaia Michinaga: well.... yes
stevenaia Michinaga: :)
stevenaia Michinaga: it was that kind of relationship from her standpoint
Sylectra Darwin: so were your buttons pushed by your friend's assessment of the intent of the letter?
stevenaia Michinaga: I just don't let such things " get to me" as they are personal biases
Adelene Dawner grins at Squee.
stevenaia Michinaga: no, I laughed and said... I see, yes, that could have been her intentions
Lia Rikugun: :)

Squee: Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much

Adelene Dawner: (How *does* the mouse *do* that???)
stevenaia Michinaga: yes Squee's random comments are always well placed
stevenaia Michinaga: placed
Sylectra Darwin: question: do you ever get annoyed by something someone said only AFTER someone else says you should have been offended by it?
stevenaia Michinaga: no
Pila Mulligan: :) no
Sylectra Darwin: Sometimes I do, but I get annoyed at the person who told me I should be offended rather than the original person. I don't want others presuming what I should be feeling.
stevenaia Michinaga: the offending (attempted) annoyer always appear amusing to me for their absurd efforts at the attempt
stevenaia Michinaga: they become the entertainment... like forgiving the enemies
Sylectra Darwin: yes
stevenaia Michinaga: but I am easily entertained
Lia Rikugun: for me it always depends who is saying it
Lia Rikugun: i cannot easily detach
stevenaia Michinaga: detachment=dropping
Lia Rikugun: if it is a complete stranger who cares
Lia Rikugun: detach from the situation or the offense
Lia Rikugun: from me who has some negative aspects
Lia Rikugun: which i am not happy with as well
Lia Rikugun: usually your closest friends can point these out because they know you best
Lia Rikugun: so this can be offending depending on how diplomatic they are
Sylectra Darwin: I think maybe mothers are really good at getting under our skin esp. if we are daughters.
Lia Rikugun: or fathers :)
Lia Rikugun: as in my case :D
Sylectra Darwin: indeed.
buddha Nirvana: i think people like that usually push buttons because they have a difficult time understanding people. they push buttons because its there only way of knowing what others are thinking
Sylectra Darwin: My mom always tried to script my future discussions with others, in exact words. She was so caught up with what I should say that there was no room for "me" in the process of learning to interact.
Lia Rikugun: hm thats interesting
stevenaia Michinaga: to get a reaction?
stevenaia Michinaga: so you taunt them?
buddha Nirvana: yea, once they get a reaction they know here 'your at'
buddha Nirvana: where*
stevenaia Michinaga: a rather disingenuous approach to conversation
Adelene Dawner: Makes some sense, tho.
buddha Nirvana: sure, perhaps they lack social skills
stevenaia Michinaga: yes
buddha Nirvana: in every sense
Lia Rikugun: emotional intelligence yes
Sylectra Darwin: maybe people like Buddha is talking about do it because they are having trouble with empathy for another person...cannot connect because of their own mental static.
buddha Nirvana: yeah, thats pretty accurate
Adelene Dawner hmms.
Adelene Dawner: Has a lot to do with 'should', I think.
Sylectra Darwin: yes, Ade. more?
stevenaia Michinaga: "should"? what do you mean
Adelene Dawner: person-type-X 'should' react in way Y, so I'm going to do Z to make that happen, because it's what should happen.
Sylectra Darwin: That's a logical way of mapping it out.
Adelene Dawner: Probably doesn't happen on a conscious level, but that seems to be the pattern.
Sylectra Darwin: Also, the shoulds work in emotional ways....
Adelene Dawner nods.
buddha Nirvana: yea, i think people also get caught in habitual pattern, maybe from there parents, where they constantly play out x, y and z scenarios
Sylectra Darwin: One person thinks the other should act in a certain way towards them, and they subjectively draw a connection between the desired behavior and their own sense that they are valued by that person. It's erroneous, of course. The other person is often unaware that they are not fulfilling their part of the script.
Adelene Dawner nods at Sylectra
Lia Rikugun: all has to do with expectations
Lia Rikugun: no expectations then
Lia Rikugun: and openness
stevenaia Michinaga: like braking the heart of someone who you don;t realizes loves you
stevenaia Michinaga: or breaking
Adelene Dawner: Or if action Z does get response Y, it just reinforces the idea that the person is an X - nasty loop, there.
Pila Mulligan: Lia used the term emotional intelligence, and it seems some people lacking that quality practice what I call dumbination (a word play on domination) -- they seem determined to get you entangled on the same emotional level as they occupy -- maybe the eventually graduate to domination :)
Lia Rikugun: :)
Sylectra Darwin: And as we get more and more focused on our own feelings and expectations, we see less and less of the true experience of others.
Sylectra Darwin: I liked an earlier discussion, last year here in the group, about how compassion cannot exist in the same heart space as anger.
Sylectra Darwin: There is a parallel here.
Adelene Dawner nods.
stevenaia Michinaga: as with patience and anger
stevenaia Michinaga: except to wait for revenge, I suppose.... never mind
Lia Rikugun: hehe
Sylectra Darwin: compassion...empathy...involve reaching out beyond our own limited view to connect with others outside ourselves, to focus for a moment on something that's not our little fears and emotions.
buddha Nirvana: selflessness
stevenaia Michinaga: an interesting distillation in a work, Buddha
buddha Nirvana: the good thing about increasing empathy is that you don't lose it over night
stevenaia Michinaga: what is "letting go" than the dropping of selfishness
buddha Nirvana: unfortunately if your lacking compassion it can be a hard thing to cultivate
buddha Nirvana: i think so, letting go of your own negative emotions
stevenaia Michinaga: doesn't "openness" result in compassion rushing in?
buddha Nirvana: it can bring about compassion i think, but i think it would be a gradual process if your not use to feeling compassion, perhaps quite a long process

Squee: Nothing is impossible when you work for the circus.

buddha Nirvana: lol
Lia Rikugun: :) now we have to interpret that ...

stevenaia Michinaga: so much for Squees perfectly timed randomness
stevenaia Michinaga: randomness
buddha Nirvana: maybe a circus infers sudden highs and lows.... a sudden high could let compassion 'flow' in
Adelene Dawner peers at the roof. "Looks a bit like a big top, I guess." ^.^
buddha Nirvana: *looks at what he's wearing*
stevenaia Michinaga: we should check with Storm on that one
Adelene Dawner chuckles.
Sylectra Darwin: the session recorder is more sophisticated these days.
stevenaia Michinaga: i.e., it works quite well
stevenaia Michinaga: cepts it does edit out Squee
Adelene Dawner: ^.^
stevenaia Michinaga: I will replace the missing wisdom
Adelene Dawner: We might be able to talk Wol into adding a listener for Squee.
Adelene Dawner: Or Fa, or whoever.
Sylectra Darwin: hmmm
Sylectra Darwin: perhaps our little pets have something they can add to the discussion too.
Sylectra Darwin: All, I must go. It's been a long day and I need to rest.
stevenaia Michinaga: to the discussion, yes, to the programming, not so sure
Adelene Dawner: 'night, Syl.
stevenaia Michinaga: bye Sylectra
buddha Nirvana: Nite :)
Lia Rikugun: byebye sylectra
Sylectra Darwin: night all, see you soon
Lia Rikugun: i think i will go to bed too
Lia Rikugun: good night byebye
stevenaia Michinaga: I am yawning as well
stevenaia Michinaga: night, thank you all for joining me tonight
buddha Nirvana: HMmm bed doesn't seem a bad idea
Adelene Dawner: 'night, Steve, Buddha
stevenaia Michinaga: :)
stevenaia Michinaga: night
buddha Nirvana: nite all :)
Adelene Dawner should probably go attempt to sleep, as she has to be awake in the daylight tomorrow. ^.-
Pila Mulligan: hi ade -- sorry I was away
Adelene Dawner: No worries ^.^
Pila Mulligan: I see everyone has gone
Adelene Dawner: Yep. That time.
Pila Mulligan: so you are going to experiment with diurnal activity :)
Pila Mulligan: (as opposed to nocturnal:)
Adelene Dawner chuckles. "Well, I need to do customer service for folks that live in the US."
Adelene Dawner: Hiya, Corvi-Luv. ^.^
Pila Mulligan: I see, this is at a museum of former activities :)
Pila Mulligan: hi Corvi
Pila Mulligan: 'customer service'
Adelene Dawner: heh
Adelene Dawner: Usually it's Three's gig, but he's going away for a few days.
Pila Mulligan: so you guys probably take it more seriously than some
Adelene Dawner: Well, it's part of the job.
Adelene Dawner: Seeing as how what we do is custom programming - gotta know what the clients want.
Adelene Dawner pokes Squee.
Pila Mulligan: well, then maybe some sleep would be an appropriate activity
Adelene Dawner: Yeah.
Adelene Dawner: At some point.
Adelene Dawner: Soonish.
Pila Mulligan: :)
Pila Mulligan: I was setting up a new fax machine -- hence my missing the end of the discussion
Adelene Dawner: ah :(
Corvuscorva Nightfire: me smiles and scritches the top of Ade's head.
Adelene Dawner: didn't miss much tho
Pila Mulligan: oh
Pila Mulligan: well, i'll be going now Ade and Corvi -- nice to see you
Adelene Dawner: 'night, Pila.
Pila Mulligan: aloha `oe
Corvuscorva Nightfire was not paying enough attention.
Adelene Dawner: s'ok.
Adelene Dawner yawns.
Corvuscorva Nightfire: g'night, Love.
Adelene Dawner purrs. "Sleep well, You."