2009.05.05 01:00 - Mermaids and other gendered beings

The Guardian for this meeting was Wester Kiranov. The comments are by Wester Kiranov.

 I was having a quiet time in the pavillion when Fael and her companion joined me.

Fael Illyar: Hi Wester :)
Wester Kiranov: hi fael
Fael Illyar: How are you today?
Wester Kiranov: the children have no playgroup so they're still having breakfast now. husband is singing next to me.
Fael Illyar: Ah, so it's a busy morning :)
Wester Kiranov: how are you? I like your mermaid. Does it have a name?
Fael Illyar: no, haven't named it yet, although, it's been swimming around me for long enough that it might be time for naming it :)
Fael Illyar: Faun
Fael Illyar: now it's named :)
Wester Kiranov: :)
Fael Illyar: Well, that's about what I can do with it. Except slow it down or speed it up :)
Wester Kiranov: how fast can it go?
Fael Illyar: I guess I'll try. I hope I still manage to catch it once it's fast :)
Fael Illyar: looks like this is the maximum speed
Fael Illyar: and this the minimum
Wester Kiranov: look like good swimming speeds
Fael Illyar: Yes :)
Fael Illyar: but I'm surprised you find time to concentrate on SL with all that going on in RL :)
Wester Kiranov: I don't really. This is my GoC slot, and last week I completely forgot. But next week they go to playgroup again, and then it's a good quiet time.

We were then joined by Sophia and a newbie, Alone Afterthought.

Fael Illyar: Hello Alone :)
Wester Kiranov: hi alone
Fael Illyar: is this your first time here?
Alone Afterthought: yes
Fael Illyar: Hi Sophia :)
Wester Kiranov: hi sophia
Alone Afterthought: this is very nice
sophia Placebo: hello alone :)
Fael Illyar: Has someone already filled you in on what we do here, Alone?
Alone Afterthought: thank you
Alone Afterthought: I just recieved a notecard
Fael Illyar: Ok, the last formality is making sure if it's ok to record what you say and publish it on our wiki? We post logs of these meetings there.
Alone Afterthought: I think that is a wonderfull idea
Alone Afterthought: as long as you forgive my ignorance
Fael Illyar: Of course :)
Alone Afterthought: thank you
Fael Illyar: can't expect you to know what you haven't been told :)
Alone Afterthought smiles
Fael Illyar: Would you mind me asking how you found us?
Alone Afterthought: search for knowledge
Fael Illyar: Ah, that brought you here? :)
Alone Afterthought: yes
Alone Afterthought: litterly the keyword knowledge brought up your sim name
Alone Afterthought smiles
Alone Afterthought: the rest I chose after reading a little about it
Fael Illyar smiles.
Fael Illyar: the notecard has the address of our wiki I hope?
Fael Illyar: Hello axis :)
Alone Afterthought: what is wiki?
sophia Placebo: hi axis
Fael Illyar: it means a website that's editable with a web browser. Most often by anyone who wants to.
Alone Afterthought: oh that sounds fun
Fael Illyar: we have 4 meetings each day at 1AM, 7AM, 1PM and 7PM. These 1AM meetings tend to be the least popular.
Alone Afterthought: sl time I assume
Fael Illyar: yes SLT
Fael Illyar: The reason our founder created this group was because he had got an idea for a new kind of meditation technique and wanted to have others try it out too.
Fael Illyar: The idea is to meditate very often but just for a short period.
Fael Illyar: have you tried meditating before?
Alone Afterthought: often
Fael Illyar: Ah, what kind of meditation do you practise?
Alone Afterthought: focus
Alone Afterthought: I foucus on an image and or sometimes on nothing at all
Alone Afterthought: though I will confess meditating and focusing on nothing is not very easy
Fael Illyar: That's how it is :)
Fael Illyar: it's not succeeding that counts but that you try :)
Alone Afterthought: I find doing much more satisfying
Alone Afterthought: than trying
Fael Illyar: Of course :)
Alone Afterthought: i shall practice this short meditation technique
Alone Afterthought: defantly will be a relief on my knees
Wester Kiranov: :)
Fael Illyar: These meetings are for discussing things that come up while doing the short meditation... although, we often speak of many other things too.
Alone Afterthought: once had a master ask of me to meditate for over four hours I nearly went insane in pain
Alone Afterthought: couldnt do it
Fael Illyar: yes, no easy task, that.
Alone Afterthought: so I very much like your technique
Fael Illyar: My own experience is that these short meditations complement the longer ones.
Fael Illyar: the short ones are like cleaning your room by doing some small things so the order stays and the long one is like a full cleaning of the house.
Wester Kiranov: We have a silent period coming up. You can use that to try the mediation technique. 1% of your time in daily life, 10% during these sessions
Wester Kiranov: starts at 1:45, minute and a half
Alone Afterthought: very nice
Fael Illyar smiles.

After these preliminaries, we had a very nice, deep and courageous conversation.

Alone Afterthought: have you ever found out something that both so excites you so much you want to tell everyone and also makes you want to selfishly want to keep it for yourself
sophia Placebo: im not sure
Wester Kiranov: if you do this for a while, the thought of keeping something for yourself will look stranger and stranger :-)
Alone Afterthought: I am in such a position
Fael Illyar: Yes, the more you spend time with us here, the more that selfish thought will look stranger and stranger :)
Fael Illyar: stops making sense :)
Alone Afterthought: I dont realy want to be selfish
Alone Afterthought: but I dont want to lose my foucus on it yet
sophia Placebo: is it something you want to tell us but want to keep it to yourself?
Alone Afterthought: I am in a cousing state
Alone Afterthought: pardon confusing
Alone Afterthought: a great change just well fell in my lap
Alone Afterthought: with very little effort
Fael Illyar: ah, but what I do not understand is why would telling others have you lose the focus?
Alone Afterthought: and that is amazing and I fear if I ummm talk about it I will pervert it with my own ego
Fael Illyar: Aah, that's a pointless fear. If you're apt to do it, you will. If you're not, you won't.
Fael Illyar: whether or not you tell us :)
Alone Afterthought: also I am not sure if I am worthy of of it
sophia Placebo: unless it harms someone or prevent some good to reach them unfairly :) write it on a note
Alone Afterthought: or if its as great as I precieve and I am just .... stupid and understanding something simply obvious
Wester Kiranov: your honesty is touching
Fael Illyar: many great insights are stunningly simple :)
Wester Kiranov: and your worries are very human
Alone Afterthought: whats worse is because I was so happy about one revelation another one came almost as quickly and with even less effort
Alone Afterthought: and now I am ashamed
Fael Illyar: Why ashamed?
Alone Afterthought: perhaps that is the wrong word
Alone Afterthought: you see I am or rather was something totaly difrent before this happend
Alone Afterthought: I was quite unhappy
Alone Afterthought: but
Alone Afterthought: I was very adamint about finding out why I was so unhappy
Alone Afterthought: and of course I was unhappyu because of what I was doing cause and affect
Fael Illyar: Yes, that's how you gain insights :)
Alone Afterthought: I am ashamed of how I behaved
Alone Afterthought: before
sophia Placebo: cant you fix it ? if you think that it would bring much worries later
Alone Afterthought: and afraid to lose this new insight by my own weakness into the temptations of the old patterns
Alone Afterthought: I am defantly taking steps to fix it
Fael Illyar: As long as you want to change, you will.
Alone Afterthought: that choise was not hard at all because it was so simple and obvvious
Fael Illyar: whether it happens right now or not is another matter.
Alone Afterthought: well part of it has begun
sophia Placebo: i have o leave now , nice to meet you alone , bye all
Fael Illyar: it takes time to learn how to avoid the patterns. Takes understanding of the patterns causes to prevent them.
Fael Illyar: See you later sophia :)
Alone Afterthought: baby steps yes but even thouse seems like giant leaps compared to the compleat unhapyness from before
Fael Illyar: Yes :)
Alone Afterthought: anyways I dont think it will hurt anyone if I explain my revelation
Alone Afterthought: though it will be best if I desribe who what I was before to assist this
Alone Afterthought: and who I am still
Alone Afterthought: this is boht a referance to sl and rl
Alone Afterthought: I am a very sexual person I think it is because I was a late bloomer
Alone Afterthought: anyways I went compleatly nuts in sl sexualy
Alone Afterthought: but it brought me so much anger frustration and unhappyness after a short time
Alone Afterthought: and I didnt even see it tell much later in time I was still ummm seduced by sexuality
Alone Afterthought: but I soon opend my eyes and discoverd I was just complatly missrable and all my friends were noticing this and soon disliked what the anger
Alone Afterthought: I didnt like it either and wanted to know what was the cause of it all
Alone Afterthought: I thought and thought and observed and blamed and did all sorts of things trying to figure it all out
Alone Afterthought: then by a fluke
Alone Afterthought: I was watching tv
Alone Afterthought: watching one of my favorate shows
Alone Afterthought: and this consept sorta happend
Alone Afterthought: I was watching "bones"
Alone Afterthought: anyways apparently there is a culture that ... how do I say it
Alone Afterthought: they observe an androgynous lifestlye
Alone Afterthought: that blew my mind
Alone Afterthought: it was there all along
Alone Afterthought: I had created it and submerged myself in it
Alone Afterthought: its not just the sex
Alone Afterthought: its the idea of gender
Alone Afterthought: how we base every on the seperation of gender
Alone Afterthought: how we treat each other
Alone Afterthought: now dont get me wrong
Alone Afterthought: I still like sex, I still understand gender and I am not about to change my own gender
Alone Afterthought: but
Alone Afterthought: since then every conversation every person have proven to me they seperate each other this very way
Fael Illyar: most people do I believe.
Alone Afterthought: again its just blowing my mind I dont know what to think sept look into every thing related into this c onsept of androgynous
Alone Afterthought: shoot I had a hard time to figure how it was spelled to even find a defination and even then I had a hard time to find it
Fael Illyar: although, what you're explaining, I'd prefer to call equality between genders ... or did I misunderstand something?
Alone Afterthought: no you didnt
Alone Afterthought: equal or seperate I dont think its the point of this revelation
Alone Afterthought: for me it was a uhhhh oepning of the eyes
Alone Afterthought: of who I was and waht I was and why I was so unhappy
Fael Illyar: so, you were unhappy because ...?
Alone Afterthought: because I was spending wastefull energy on sexuality and gender and attracting like people and this wasted energy made me unhappy to deal with people with so short of an attention span because the urge for quick and instant gratification on various difrent gender or peoples sexuality they were feeding on each other
Fael Illyar: Ah, you came to expect that from everyone and everything?
Alone Afterthought: perhaps but more i wanted something
Wester Kiranov: real contact?
Alone Afterthought: I wanted not to allways deal with some one enew every day and go over the same ground
Alone Afterthought: no I can make that
Alone Afterthought: I have real contact all the time
Wester Kiranov: ok
Alone Afterthought: understand I am defantly a very powerfull and very attractive to people I have no problems attracting contact
Fael Illyar: stability is what you're looking for I think.
Alone Afterthought: well I thought so at first
Alone Afterthought: now I dont think so
Fael Illyar: and of course, when you get to know people, it's fun.
Fael Illyar: that's left lacking if you have new people every day.
Alone Afterthought: ok yes stability in more like a ballance or peace
Fael Illyar: yes, that is what I mean.
Wester Kiranov: that's what i meant too ;-)
Alone Afterthought smiles
Alone Afterthought: well I am now on my new adventure, to discover and try to idenify all thies spererations based on gender and sexuality
Alone Afterthought: and see if I can change them withen my self
Alone Afterthought: and hopefully still be able to enjoy sex
Fael Illyar: if you want to, you can :)
Alone Afterthought cant help it but laugh
Alone Afterthought: sorry
Fael Illyar: do identify them all but don't force yourself to change please.
Alone Afterthought: I want to
Fael Illyar: please understand what you're choosing, before you do :)
Alone Afterthought: nothing forced, and I know better to rush into it I am going to take it gradual
Alone Afterthought: one of the reasons I am so is because I love challanges and never let my fear dictate my actions I had survived a near death experiance and to me that was the worst fear
Alone Afterthought: so the rest was just new fears to be conquored
Wester Kiranov: (do take a breather at the next silent period. it's no big deal if the conversation is too interesting to stop it, but it's nice to allow yourself some space)
Alone Afterthought: making me feel more alive and ready for more
Alone Afterthought smiles
Alone Afterthought: I am very happy about all this
Fael Illyar smiles 'Sounds good.'

RL was calling for me, and Fael and Alone left quite soon after.

Wester Kiranov: (my children really want my attention now, so I'll leave. In case you want anything taken out of the log, just say so and I won't post that part)
Fael Illyar: Allright, see you later Wester :)
Alone Afterthought: there is nothing I am ashamed of
Alone Afterthought: I want others feed back on this desperatly
Alone Afterthought: for sure
Wester Kiranov: bye then. cu later
Fael Illyar: Do you have any questions you could ask?
Alone Afterthought: no I am still ummm in a wierd goody space
Alone Afterthought: like an excitement and a wierd peace
Fael Illyar: That peace is always there, even if it's hidden.
Alone Afterthought smiles
Alone Afterthought: thank you for listening to my words
Fael Illyar: but other than that, I'm somehow unable to find feedback for you right now.
Alone Afterthought: its pretty heavy
Alone Afterthought: i was stunned when I figured it out
Fael Illyar: other than to encourage you to find out where you discriminate with gender :)
Alone Afterthought: I dont think words do justace here discrimiante may not even be waht it is
Alone Afterthought: I know its very much like a seperation so your waords of equality rings true
Fael Illyar: yes, words are blunt instruments where you'd prefer a precision chisel :)
Alone Afterthought: anyways I need to go to sleep now
Fael Illyar: Ok, Good night Alone :)
Alone Afterthought: thank you
Fael Illyar: Sleep well :)
Alone Afterthought: I know I will
Fael Illyar: and do remember that any dreams you remember, are meant to guide somehow.
Alone Afterthought: hehe I rember most of mine
Alone Afterthought: I am fond of lucid dreams
Alone Afterthought: flying ones are my favorate
Fael Illyar: I rarely remember mine... but sometimes.
Fael Illyar: they're usually a message to me from my subsconscious.
Alone Afterthought: indeed
Alone Afterthought: I must go
Alone Afterthought: thank you
Fael Illyar waves.