2008.10.01 19:00 - Hunting for the small self

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    stevenaia Michigana is the Guardian this evening and the comments are stevenaia's

     This evening I was sitting on the railing as the "pillow seats" took an unusually long time to rezz tonight, eventually they appeared, as did Sky Szimmer followed by Rowan Masala.  I tried to turn on the auto-recorder to no avail.


    PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by someone I don't recognize.
    PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by someone I don't recognize.
    stevenaia Michinaga: Evening Sky
    Sky Szimmer: hi steve, where are you?
    stevenaia Michinaga: on the railing
    Sky Szimmer: oh there you are.
    stevenaia Michinaga: when I appeared it took a while for the pillows to appear so I took a seat here
    Sky Szimmer: hey. I like sitting here.
    Sky Szimmer: it feels friendly
    stevenaia Michinaga: yes, more of a relaxed palce, although if threeDee appears, not sure how a lion form would be able to sit on a railing
    Sky Szimmer: that'd be a sight!
    stevenaia Michinaga: can you make the recorder work, it does not recognize me
    stevenaia Michinaga: touch it
    Sky Szimmer: i am not sure what that is
    stevenaia Michinaga: hello Rowan
    Rowan Masala: hello
    Sky Szimmer: hi Rowan
    stevenaia Michinaga: it;s the cone on the table, an auto recorder
    stevenaia Michinaga: not sure if it works, but it's being tested

    Sky seemed to have the right touch to start the autologger.  Prosper Frobozz and Corvuscorva Nightfire arrived.

    PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by a PaB guardian.
    PaB Listener Master: Recording has started!
    stevenaia Michinaga: hmmm, it doesn't recognize me as a guardian
    Sky Szimmer: ok. i think it worked.
    stevenaia Michinaga: perhaps it doesn;t work until after 7:00
    Sky Szimmer: the message says the recording has started
    stevenaia Michinaga: haven;t seen you in a while sky
    Sky Szimmer: yes. i miss coming. been distracted. plus it is hard to get a 2 yr. old to sit still and be occupied.
    Rowan Masala: ah, that would do it
    stevenaia Michinaga: try that with a teenage
    stevenaia Michinaga: hello Prospero
    Rowan Masala: hi Prospero
    Prospero Frobozz: Hello
    Prospero Frobozz: I seem to be hitting a spin gesture a lot lately
    Rowan Masala: Hi Corvi :)
    stevenaia Michinaga: hello Covi
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: Hiya, Sky, Prospero, Rowan, Stevenaia....
    Sky Szimmer: hi y'all!
    stevenaia Michinaga: I have no topic tonight, but I have noticed recently I've been having dificulty focusing on my 9 seconds and getting into it or out of me to See
    Sky Szimmer: has there been any changes in your life
    Rowan Masala: that might be the whole Mother-in-law thing

    Rowan and I were talking earlier about my Mother-in-law staying over at my house during the holidays.  My distraction became a starting point for tonight's discussion

    stevenaia Michinaga: good point....I had some time today at my temple where it was peaceful and musical to try as well
    stevenaia Michinaga: I suspect I was distracted , unusual for me, was thinking of going back to the begining
    Rowan Masala: to the beginning?
    stevenaia Michinaga: starting again, from the begining... using the orginal words or thoughs that Pema began with
    stevenaia Michinaga: refresh the thinking, clear the mind
    Sky Szimmer: ah. I have been distracted too and having been doing anything. maybe i should follow your lead : )
    stevenaia Michinaga: how has everyone else been doing?
    Sky Szimmer: not being doing anything
    Rowan Masala: I mostly only do the 9s when I'm here
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: Terrible.
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: I mean at the 9 seconds...
    Sky Szimmer: I haven't been doing the 9 sec thing but have been hunting for what Stim calls the small self and seeing what she is up to.
    Rowan Masala: chime
    stevenaia Michinaga: can you tell us about the hunt?
    Prospero Frobozz: I've hardly ever done a 9 succesfully... but when I have remembered to do one, I find myself mostly caught up in counting the seconds.
    Sky Szimmer: i have been going through major emotional issues due to personal drama
    Sky Szimmer: I feel that I should be happy no matter what.
    stevenaia Michinaga: terrble 2's?
    Sky Szimmer: I should be in a state of love no matter what
    Sky Szimmer: no he is an angel/
    Sky Szimmer: so as a way to see what is causing the emotional reactions
    Sky Szimmer: I have been trying to see what expectations I have come to pile on without my knowledge
    stevenaia Michinaga: you put it well, an emotional re-action,
    Sky Szimmer: you know we all have expectations for our loved ones, for love, for life
    Sky Szimmer: so, i haven't been in acceptance of what is
    Sky Szimmer: but i what i want things to be
    stevenaia Michinaga: I have found I can make reactions into choices
    Sky Szimmer: yes. that is the goal
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: The goal?
    Sky Szimmer: to not react and choose our reactions
    stevenaia Michinaga: best to want what you want from yourself, not from others
    Sky Szimmer: to kind of step out of the reaction, the emotion and be the watcher
    stevenaia Michinaga: the the expectations fall on you, not on another
    Sky Szimmer: sometimes we just pick up stuff from our folks, from our society, from tv about what it is we want
    Sky Szimmer: we don't even realize that it is not our stuff
    Sky Szimmer: it gets internalized.
    Sky Szimmer: becomes the small self, but it is not being
    Sky Szimmer: the trick for me is to see that make up, and then discard it
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: tell me more about the small self?
    Sky Szimmer: the small self is what most of us think we are.
    Sky Szimmer: we are this ethnicity, we believe this is honest, that is ethical,
    Sky Szimmer: all our belief systems, what is right, what is wrong
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: hmmmm
    Sky Szimmer: all the stuff that our parents told us we are, such as you are Sue, you are Joe,
    Prospero Frobozz: In the USA, we often tend to identify ourselves -- at least, when asked, and that can't help but affect how we think about ourselves -- primarily by our job, our profession.
    Sky Szimmer: what you do this, you are good, when you do that you are bad
    Sky Szimmer: all of it.
    Rowan Masala nods
    Rowan Masala: yes, Prospero
    Corvuscorva Nightfire wrinkles her brow and studies this concept...
    Sky Szimmer: yes Propero. our identity with our profession
    Prospero Frobozz: This can be oppressive
    Sky Szimmer: also, within us, there are different personalities at play.
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: tell me more about that...
    Rowan Masala: I have this image from The Mummy, when she is drunk by the fire and she stands up very proudly and announces "I... am... a LIBRARIAN"
    Prospero Frobozz: My wife had been a graduate student in musicology, but because of a chronic diesase, had to drop out. Yet, one of the first things people asked here, or asked me, was "what do you do?" For at least a year after she had decided not to work on the thesis, she still identified herself as a musicology grad student... because what other answer was there?
    Sky Szimmer: yes. that is how we limit ourselves.
    Sky Szimmer: but see, sometimes we don't even see that
    Sky Szimmer: it is so ingrained.
    Rowan Masala nods
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: tell me more about [19:23] Sky Szimmer: also, within us, there are different personalities at play.
    Sky Szimmer: i am having trouble with my husband. and I have discovered it is all about me having these expectations of him which are very normal, socially accepted expectations
    Rowan Masala: I'm a Myers-Briggs INFP. I'm an enneagram 4 wing 5. All desperate attempts to try to define and categorize ourselves
    Corvuscorva Nightfire nods.
    Sky Szimmer: but nevertheless, it prevents me from seeing him for who he is.
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: I see.
    Sky Szimmer: Well, i have been playing with this idea that there are multiple different characters with us that control our emotions and our thinking
    Corvuscorva Nightfire nods...yes...me too.
    Rowan Masala: the question of who's driving the bus
    stevenaia Michinaga: control?
    stevenaia Michinaga: awww
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: drive the bus is a good analogy for what I am thinking when I hear that....
    Sky Szimmer: So there is something or someone, who I call Being that can watch the different characters at play and when it steps out of the characters and can see them at play, Being becomes free
    Sky Szimmer: Exactly. About who is driving the bus.
    Sky Szimmer: So, the different characters are Judge, Victim, Princess, Hero, Villain, Prostitue
    Corvuscorva Nightfire muses about Sky's formulation..."I like that"
    Sky Szimmer: We all play those characters from one moment to the next, or all the different characters can argue back and forth with each other
    Sky Szimmer: We think we are the characters, but we are not
    Sky Szimmer: This is a big topic.
    Sky Szimmer: I have been playing with this for a while.
    stevenaia Michinaga: I'm so glad you are such a good listener so you can be so clear
    Sky Szimmer: So I have been huntinng for these characters within myself and try to observe them
    Prospero Frobozz: Do you find it easier to see them in yourself or in others?
    Sky Szimmer: Sometimes it is easier to see it in others
    Rowan Masala: chime
    Prospero Frobozz: My wife and I sometimes talk about one of our cats as if she had different personalities. One of them is "Nut Butter", which is when she gets all wild and charges about the house.
    Rowan Masala grins at Prospero
    Prospero Frobozz: Similar kind of thing, if only more overt.
    stevenaia Michinaga: we all have that cat
    Corvuscorva Nightfire laughs.
    Rowan Masala: I am that cat
    Sky Szimmer: then, the cat can be a pussy cat andd calm, the next moment
    Sky Szimmer: or the cat can be a princess and want her way
    Sky Szimmer: sometimes, the princess in the cat may want to get petted, but doesn't get her way, then she feels victimized like you didn't like her which triggers the nut butter
    Prospero Frobozz: With buttercup, Nut Butter is usually spontaneously emergent
    Sky Szimmer: humm.
    Rowan Masala: or at least apparently spontaneous
    Prospero Frobozz: yeah
    Sky Szimmer: something may trigger that. i can't say abouut catts
    Rowan Masala: hard to know what really goes on in a cat's mind
    Sky Szimmer: but in me, i know sometimes i am a princess and want my way, but i don't get it, then i don't feel loved, then I feel hurt, then the judge in me says how dare that person hurt you, then the protector in me, gets involved and wants to punish that person for huring me
    Sky Szimmer: but the trick to all this is, that all this is being played out in my head, my mind
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: I must bow out here for another appt...I have very much enjoyed this.
    stevenaia Michinaga: I ahev tried to look my at in the eye for a very long time.. then they turn and stare at the wall with same intensity ... for a very long time, so much for seeking that connection
    Sky Szimmer: so if I can see that Being is none of this, then, it won't get wrapped up in the small self
    Rowan Masala wonders if the galaxy on Prospero's t-shirt is actually spinning or if she's just very, very tired
    Sky Szimmer: Bye Corve.
    Sky Szimmer: I must go too.
    Prospero Frobozz: have're just tired :)
    Prospero Frobozz: I do have a spinning galaxy
    Rowan Masala: goodnight, Sky, Corvi
    Prospero Frobozz: goodnight, all
    Sky Szimmer: Ciao!
    Rowan Masala: goodnight, Prospero
    Corvuscorva Nightfire: Gnight all.
    PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by someone I don't recognize.

    Rowan and I remained for a moment in silence. I had Rowan try to turn off the auto-logger but it did not recognize her touch as well... we stayed after everyone left not speaking and them left as well. 


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