2008.10.01 19:00 - Hunting for the small self

stevenaia Michigana is the Guardian this evening and the comments are stevenaia's

 This evening I was sitting on the railing as the "pillow seats" took an unusually long time to rezz tonight, eventually they appeared, as did Sky Szimmer followed by Rowan Masala.  I tried to turn on the auto-recorder to no avail.

   

PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by someone I don't recognize.
PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by someone I don't recognize.
stevenaia Michinaga: Evening Sky
Sky Szimmer: hi steve, where are you?
stevenaia Michinaga: on the railing
Sky Szimmer: oh there you are.
stevenaia Michinaga: when I appeared it took a while for the pillows to appear so I took a seat here
Sky Szimmer: hey. I like sitting here.
Sky Szimmer: it feels friendly
stevenaia Michinaga: yes, more of a relaxed palce, although if threeDee appears, not sure how a lion form would be able to sit on a railing
Sky Szimmer: that'd be a sight!
stevenaia Michinaga: can you make the recorder work, it does not recognize me
stevenaia Michinaga: touch it
Sky Szimmer: i am not sure what that is
stevenaia Michinaga: hello Rowan
Rowan Masala: hello
Sky Szimmer: hi Rowan
stevenaia Michinaga: it;s the cone on the table, an auto recorder
stevenaia Michinaga: not sure if it works, but it's being tested

Sky seemed to have the right touch to start the autologger.  Prosper Frobozz and Corvuscorva Nightfire arrived.

PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by a PaB guardian.
PaB Listener Master: Recording has started!
stevenaia Michinaga: hmmm, it doesn't recognize me as a guardian
Sky Szimmer: ok. i think it worked.
stevenaia Michinaga: perhaps it doesn;t work until after 7:00
Sky Szimmer: the message says the recording has started
stevenaia Michinaga: haven;t seen you in a while sky
Sky Szimmer: yes. i miss coming. been distracted. plus it is hard to get a 2 yr. old to sit still and be occupied.
Rowan Masala: ah, that would do it
stevenaia Michinaga: try that with a teenage
stevenaia Michinaga: hello Prospero
Rowan Masala: hi Prospero
Prospero Frobozz: Hello
Prospero Frobozz: I seem to be hitting a spin gesture a lot lately
Rowan Masala: Hi Corvi :)
stevenaia Michinaga: hello Covi
Corvuscorva Nightfire: Hiya, Sky, Prospero, Rowan, Stevenaia....
Sky Szimmer: hi y'all!
stevenaia Michinaga: I have no topic tonight, but I have noticed recently I've been having dificulty focusing on my 9 seconds and getting into it or out of me to See
Sky Szimmer: has there been any changes in your life
Rowan Masala: that might be the whole Mother-in-law thing

Rowan and I were talking earlier about my Mother-in-law staying over at my house during the holidays.  My distraction became a starting point for tonight's discussion

stevenaia Michinaga: good point....I had some time today at my temple where it was peaceful and musical to try as well
stevenaia Michinaga: I suspect I was distracted , unusual for me, was thinking of going back to the begining
Rowan Masala: to the beginning?
stevenaia Michinaga: starting again, from the begining... using the orginal words or thoughs that Pema began with
stevenaia Michinaga: refresh the thinking, clear the mind
Sky Szimmer: ah. I have been distracted too and having been doing anything. maybe i should follow your lead : )
stevenaia Michinaga: how has everyone else been doing?
Sky Szimmer: not being doing anything
Rowan Masala: I mostly only do the 9s when I'm here
Corvuscorva Nightfire: Terrible.
Corvuscorva Nightfire: I mean at the 9 seconds...
Sky Szimmer: I haven't been doing the 9 sec thing but have been hunting for what Stim calls the small self and seeing what she is up to.
Rowan Masala: chime
stevenaia Michinaga: can you tell us about the hunt?
Prospero Frobozz: I've hardly ever done a 9 succesfully... but when I have remembered to do one, I find myself mostly caught up in counting the seconds.
Sky Szimmer: i have been going through major emotional issues due to personal drama
Sky Szimmer: I feel that I should be happy no matter what.
stevenaia Michinaga: terrble 2's?
Sky Szimmer: I should be in a state of love no matter what
Sky Szimmer: no he is an angel/
Sky Szimmer: so as a way to see what is causing the emotional reactions
Sky Szimmer: I have been trying to see what expectations I have come to pile on without my knowledge
stevenaia Michinaga: you put it well, an emotional re-action,
Sky Szimmer: you know we all have expectations for our loved ones, for love, for life
Sky Szimmer: so, i haven't been in acceptance of what is
Sky Szimmer: but i what i want things to be
stevenaia Michinaga: I have found I can make reactions into choices
Sky Szimmer: yes. that is the goal
Corvuscorva Nightfire: The goal?
Sky Szimmer: to not react and choose our reactions
stevenaia Michinaga: best to want what you want from yourself, not from others
Sky Szimmer: to kind of step out of the reaction, the emotion and be the watcher
stevenaia Michinaga: the the expectations fall on you, not on another
Sky Szimmer: sometimes we just pick up stuff from our folks, from our society, from tv about what it is we want
Sky Szimmer: we don't even realize that it is not our stuff
Sky Szimmer: it gets internalized.
Sky Szimmer: becomes the small self, but it is not being
Sky Szimmer: the trick for me is to see that make up, and then discard it
Corvuscorva Nightfire: tell me more about the small self?
Sky Szimmer: the small self is what most of us think we are.
Sky Szimmer: we are this ethnicity, we believe this is honest, that is ethical,
Sky Szimmer: all our belief systems, what is right, what is wrong
Corvuscorva Nightfire: hmmmm
Sky Szimmer: all the stuff that our parents told us we are, such as you are Sue, you are Joe,
Prospero Frobozz: In the USA, we often tend to identify ourselves -- at least, when asked, and that can't help but affect how we think about ourselves -- primarily by our job, our profession.
Sky Szimmer: what you do this, you are good, when you do that you are bad
Sky Szimmer: all of it.
Rowan Masala nods
Rowan Masala: yes, Prospero
Corvuscorva Nightfire wrinkles her brow and studies this concept...
Sky Szimmer: yes Propero. our identity with our profession
Prospero Frobozz: This can be oppressive
Sky Szimmer: also, within us, there are different personalities at play.
Corvuscorva Nightfire: tell me more about that...
Rowan Masala: I have this image from The Mummy, when she is drunk by the fire and she stands up very proudly and announces "I... am... a LIBRARIAN"
Prospero Frobozz: My wife had been a graduate student in musicology, but because of a chronic diesase, had to drop out. Yet, one of the first things people asked here, or asked me, was "what do you do?" For at least a year after she had decided not to work on the thesis, she still identified herself as a musicology grad student... because what other answer was there?
Sky Szimmer: yes. that is how we limit ourselves.
Sky Szimmer: but see, sometimes we don't even see that
Sky Szimmer: it is so ingrained.
Rowan Masala nods
Corvuscorva Nightfire: tell me more about [19:23] Sky Szimmer: also, within us, there are different personalities at play.
Sky Szimmer: i am having trouble with my husband. and I have discovered it is all about me having these expectations of him which are very normal, socially accepted expectations
Rowan Masala: I'm a Myers-Briggs INFP. I'm an enneagram 4 wing 5. All desperate attempts to try to define and categorize ourselves
Corvuscorva Nightfire nods.
Sky Szimmer: but nevertheless, it prevents me from seeing him for who he is.
Corvuscorva Nightfire: I see.
Sky Szimmer: Well, i have been playing with this idea that there are multiple different characters with us that control our emotions and our thinking
Corvuscorva Nightfire nods...yes...me too.
Rowan Masala: the question of who's driving the bus
stevenaia Michinaga: control?
stevenaia Michinaga: awww
Corvuscorva Nightfire: drive the bus is a good analogy for what I am thinking when I hear that....
Sky Szimmer: So there is something or someone, who I call Being that can watch the different characters at play and when it steps out of the characters and can see them at play, Being becomes free
Sky Szimmer: Exactly. About who is driving the bus.
Sky Szimmer: So, the different characters are Judge, Victim, Princess, Hero, Villain, Prostitue
Corvuscorva Nightfire muses about Sky's formulation..."I like that"
Sky Szimmer: We all play those characters from one moment to the next, or all the different characters can argue back and forth with each other
Sky Szimmer: We think we are the characters, but we are not
Sky Szimmer: This is a big topic.
Sky Szimmer: I have been playing with this for a while.
stevenaia Michinaga: I'm so glad you are such a good listener so you can be so clear
Sky Szimmer: So I have been huntinng for these characters within myself and try to observe them
Prospero Frobozz: Do you find it easier to see them in yourself or in others?
Sky Szimmer: Sometimes it is easier to see it in others
Rowan Masala: chime
Prospero Frobozz: My wife and I sometimes talk about one of our cats as if she had different personalities. One of them is "Nut Butter", which is when she gets all wild and charges about the house.
Rowan Masala grins at Prospero
Prospero Frobozz: Similar kind of thing, if only more overt.
stevenaia Michinaga: we all have that cat
Corvuscorva Nightfire laughs.
Rowan Masala: I am that cat
Sky Szimmer: then, the cat can be a pussy cat andd calm, the next moment
Sky Szimmer: or the cat can be a princess and want her way
Sky Szimmer: sometimes, the princess in the cat may want to get petted, but doesn't get her way, then she feels victimized like you didn't like her which triggers the nut butter
Prospero Frobozz: With buttercup, Nut Butter is usually spontaneously emergent
Sky Szimmer: humm.
Rowan Masala: or at least apparently spontaneous
Prospero Frobozz: yeah
Sky Szimmer: something may trigger that. i can't say abouut catts
Rowan Masala: hard to know what really goes on in a cat's mind
Sky Szimmer: but in me, i know sometimes i am a princess and want my way, but i don't get it, then i don't feel loved, then I feel hurt, then the judge in me says how dare that person hurt you, then the protector in me, gets involved and wants to punish that person for huring me
Sky Szimmer: but the trick to all this is, that all this is being played out in my head, my mind
Corvuscorva Nightfire: I must bow out here for another appt...I have very much enjoyed this.
stevenaia Michinaga: I ahev tried to look my at in the eye for a very long time.. then they turn and stare at the wall with same intensity ... for a very long time, so much for seeking that connection
Sky Szimmer: so if I can see that Being is none of this, then, it won't get wrapped up in the small self
Rowan Masala wonders if the galaxy on Prospero's t-shirt is actually spinning or if she's just very, very tired
Sky Szimmer: Bye Corve.
Sky Szimmer: I must go too.
Prospero Frobozz: have're just tired :)
Prospero Frobozz: I do have a spinning galaxy
Rowan Masala: goodnight, Sky, Corvi
Prospero Frobozz: goodnight, all
Sky Szimmer: Ciao!
Rowan Masala: goodnight, Prospero
Corvuscorva Nightfire: Gnight all.
PaB Listener Master: I've been touched by someone I don't recognize.

Rowan and I remained for a moment in silence. I had Rowan try to turn off the auto-logger but it did not recognize her touch as well... we stayed after everyone left not speaking and them left as well.