2010.02.03 19:00 - Snow and Regret

The Guardian for this meeting was stevenaia Michinaga. The comments are by stevenaia Michinaga.

Solobill Laville joined me after a long period of silence. Our conversation moved from snow and seeing to our views of "regret"

stevenaia Michinaga: hello Solo

stevenaia Michinaga: been quite a while

Solobill Laville: Indeed! Good to see you Steve!

stevenaia Michinaga: it's been a quiet evening

Solobill Laville nods and smiles

Solobill Laville: Has it been quiet much lately?

stevenaia Michinaga: for me here, yes

stevenaia Michinaga: winter seems to be the season for quiet

Solobill Laville: Ah...isn't that interesting, I'd think the opposite

stevenaia Michinaga: yes, you would, I have a friend in New Zealand and it;s always interesting to see the contract of his summer and my winter

stevenaia Michinaga: contrast

Solobill Laville: Southern Hemisphere!

stevenaia Michinaga: nods

Solobill Laville: yep

stevenaia Michinaga: opposing perceptions

stevenaia Michinaga: hello Skie

Solobill Laville smiles to Skie

stevenaia Michinaga: feel free to join us

Solobill Laville: Of course

Solobill Laville: To Steve -> how has your winter been so far, snow-wise?

stevenaia Michinaga: intermittent but I enjoy snow here in the middle Atlantic states, we had an inch this morning and exceptions anywhere from 2-10 inches on friday depending on which way the wind blows, literally

Solobill Laville: Ha! Too funny 2-10, like they're so similar...

stevenaia Michinaga: snow always brings a nice change to what you see and how you move

Solobill Laville: oh, yes, and the silence :)

stevenaia Michinaga: yes, that special outside sound deadening is very nice

stevenaia Michinaga: where you you from Solo

stevenaia Michinaga: *are

Solobill Laville: 30 degrees, nighttime, snow, and and full moon, I'll take any day

Solobill Laville: Detroit

stevenaia Michinaga: I used to live in the UP where 30 feet of snow in the winter is typical

Solobill Laville: Hah! I didn't know that, I recall Penn...

--BELL--

Solobill Laville: My mom grew up in northern Mi. where lake-effect snow was common, so yes, many, many feet

stevenaia Michinaga: snow doesn;t last here for very long

Solobill Laville: Winter is a wonderful time for reflection

stevenaia Michinaga: it offers a fresh perspective on seeing since so much changes

Solobill Laville: yes, good point, I was thinking in a different way

stevenaia Michinaga: and cold is something you can dress for, taking clothes off in the heat only goes so far

Solobill Laville: hah! literally!

Solobill Laville: It's funny, I know what you are saying about change

Solobill Laville: but winter is seeming more and more about continuance to me

stevenaia Michinaga: it is interesting how similar the desert sand and snow can be

Solobill Laville: Yes! and grass and water!

stevenaia Michinaga: why more and more?

Solobill Laville: Well, gettin' older and all ;)

Solobill Laville: I mean wiser, or something

stevenaia Michinaga: :)

stevenaia Michinaga: ofcourse

Solobill Laville: hehe

Solobill Laville: Seriously, though, more about "hloing up", and about appreciation

Solobill Laville: *appreciation

stevenaia Michinaga: age is just the ever lovely accumulation of experience

stevenaia Michinaga: "hloing up"?

Solobill Laville: Yes, I think we're all a terribly unique blend of old and young all at the same time

Solobill Laville: *holing up

Solobill Laville: as in psudo-hibernation, hot tea / warm blankets

stevenaia Michinaga: awww

Solobill Laville: going into our own hobbit holes, so to speak

stevenaia Michinaga: nods, right

Solobill Laville: Provides an opportunity to appreciate the basic niceties of warmth, smiles, etc.

stevenaia Michinaga: for some reason the thought of age and regret past through my mind... regret of not taking advantage of opportunities to appreciate so much of what can be appreciated

Solobill Laville: Yowza, that is the most serious regret of all...

stevenaia Michinaga: something you only see in hindsight

stevenaia Michinaga: nods, when you said "holing up" I thought of all that can missed when in that hole

stevenaia Michinaga: you thought the opposite I presume

Solobill Laville: I did

Solobill Laville: :)

stevenaia Michinaga: :)

Solobill Laville: It is not hiding

Solobill Laville: But, literally, holing up, like a squirrel waiting for spring

stevenaia Michinaga: yes, everything can offer you a moment to appreciate

stevenaia Michinaga: there never really is any regret

Solobill Laville: One of my big "topics for practice" is the total disconnection with regret

Solobill Laville: It is a very detrimental emotion

stevenaia Michinaga: it was only a fleeting thought

Solobill Laville: :) but a valuable one

Solobill Laville: There is a wonderful Buddhist practice

--BELL--

Solobill Laville: of writing down all of your regrets

stevenaia Michinaga: ..listens

Solobill Laville: and ceremonially buring them in an urn - setting them free

stevenaia Michinaga: :)

Solobill Laville: *burning

stevenaia Michinaga: I suspect my list would be short

Solobill Laville: I'm very glad to hear that - I'd think you may be in the minority!

Solobill Laville: but that is a key practice, in my experience

stevenaia Michinaga: I suspect it relates to how much you dwell in the past or present

stevenaia Michinaga: now is always most entertaining for me

Solobill Laville: Ah, yes, I think you're right - tough to be "here" all the time

Solobill Laville: What to you is the difference between regret and guilt?

stevenaia Michinaga: regret is a missed opportunity, guilt is a miss-spent opportunity

Solobill Laville: That is very positive, it is all about the opportunity :)

stevenaia Michinaga: and for you?

Solobill Laville: Ah, that's partially why I asked

Solobill Laville: I have dealt with regret

stevenaia Michinaga: how?

Solobill Laville: but guilt I have always sensed from far-off and avoided

Solobill Laville: I am a very non-guilty person :)

stevenaia Michinaga: nods

Solobill Laville: for me, perhaps I have had more missed opportunities than time mis-spent...

stevenaia Michinaga: missing Malta is a regret, for instance, but I don;t carry it too heavily

stevenaia Michinaga: it was not feasible

Solobill Laville: Right, the carrying may be the key "non-action"

Solobill Laville: Oh, to answer your question...

Solobill Laville: How I deal with regret

Solobill Laville: 1) recognize it for what it is

Solobill Laville: Not too easy

Solobill Laville: 2) Try to understand the context and specifics

Solobill Laville: 3) Forgive myself - damn hard, but unbelievably liberating

Solobill Laville: In fact, a requisite for spiritual growth

stevenaia Michinaga: yes, forgiving yourself paves the way for that

Solobill Laville nods

Solobill Laville: That can be a big boulder for people

stevenaia Michinaga: sometime acceptance of the regret is enough

stevenaia Michinaga: that may be forgiveness

Solobill Laville: Do you think? To me, that is recognition (step 1 above), but not quite the same as self-forgiveness, which seems to be a very affective process (to me at least)

Solobill Laville: Necessary, but not sufficient, quite

--BELL--

stevenaia Michinaga: there are some regrets that may not be anyone's "fault" such that there may be nothing to forgive

Solobill Laville: Ah...but then what is regret, if you con't place some sort of "fault" on yourself, for example, for a missed opportunity?

stevenaia Michinaga: a missed opportunity to influence something that may simply have been meant to be the way it turned out, no matter what you could have done

Solobill Laville: OK, I see. Good point. To me then, part of the reflective process would be to let go of that as a regret, which is the same as what you are saying I think, Steve

Solobill Laville: I guess, a regret to me is a missed opportunity to have behaved differently, not doing the "right thing"...

stevenaia Michinaga: or two aspects of it

Solobill Laville: Indeed :)

stevenaia Michinaga: I suspect a third person may have others

Solobill Laville: exponentially :)

stevenaia Michinaga: then , there always is:

stevenaia Michinaga: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regret_(emotion)

stevenaia Michinaga: a very short page

Solobill Laville: Hmmm...so guilt here defined is a component of regret. I'd define it a bit differently.

Solobill Laville: I think your "missed opportunity" is perfect

stevenaia Michinaga: smiles

Solobill Laville: Anyway, good night, I hope I kept you company for a while... :)

stevenaia Michinaga: thank you, a most interesting evening

Solobill Laville: :) Yes, all the best, Steve, until next time!