2018.05.18 - Day 65

Resisting temptation to read more of Tart's book until I have a better grasp of what I have read so far. I read too much and don't practice enough. It still seems so like Mindfulness practice to me. The 'consensus trance' is the equivalent of what the Australian guys called 'default mode' in their online courses on Futurelearn platform. If I am concentrating on writing this I would have to lose some of that to remember the sensations in my arms and legs as well? I have to concentrate a lot just to type legibly.
Had a long dream of which I remembered quite a lot, but there were a lot of unrelated scraps, not a coherent storyline like the examples in books.

Careworkers are dividing themselves into 'Yannis' or 'Laurels' after listening to the audio illusion doing the rounds atm. I heard Yanni on Wednesday, Laurel on Thursday and back to Yanni this morning :) Good way to notice the constructed nature of our reality.

It has been a busy time. Full of signing papers about the rental house sale, working, babysitting, sweeping elm seeds, and such.Learning of rat infestation that will be our last project before the sale goes through. Fortunately our buyers are still interested!!

Last night we had a staff meeting with coworkers and we did an exercise.
On one side of a piece of paper was the word Intersectionality/Identity.We were to write all the roles we play as we enact our identity.
On the other side of this paper was the question "What difference does difference make?"

Diversity- difference- embodied or socially constructed
inclusion- sense of belonging, feeling valued, and opportunities to add value.
Equity- access, elimination of barriers, and excellence for all.

Belonging= Be(whole, full, free) Longing= (To connect and add value)

The four E's
Exposure(to difference)
Experience(with difference)
Education(of difference)
Empathy(for difference)

We were asked to look at our identity side of the paper and think about what is the same and what is different from our coworkers.I feel "on the outside" of the group of younger people because of the quick way they converse with each other, the fact that I am not in the planning meetings any more, and childhood experience of being shunned for a time.( I slapped 5 girls in one blow once because the made fun of me for worrying about their leaving a slumber party in the night for a while.)They ignored me for a whole summer. That has come back as a difficult memory as I have entered a new age group compared to the the others. I imagine that if we were to include experiences on the identity side of the paper we would see something interesting.Would it be more differences?
The power of some experiences would really bring empathy into our views of each other.
It has become important to learn to deal with difference in the classroom....we have some challenging kids mixed in. The ratio is really great and we do an excellent job of meeting kids needs but I think sometimes the teachers expectations are rather high.We have a highly choreographed environment.
It teaches respect for others by giving physical space, language, etc. Anyway...I am losing a sense of where I was going with all this but I think we are trying to make the work environment a more trusting one.One that embraces difference.

Began reading the Play and Poetry chapter of Homo Ludens.

"To understand poetry we must be capable of donning the child's soul like a magic cloak and of forsaking man's wisdom for the child's."

Not sure what to write today, because there isn't really anything notable to report regarding unlearning isolation, except that somewhere in the last few weeks, there was a line in a film or something that keeps coming to mind.

I can't place the context, only the line and the feeling delivered by an intrusive, or at least far more talkative than others, person within the context (could it have been Phantom Thread?) -- that "If no one butts in, we're always alone." Aha, remember. It was the Jet Lag film.

One thing I've seen about myself during this focus for these weeks is that I came away from childhood with some impressions that don't fit my time very well, such as my great-grandmother's sensibility that excellence mean no one should see the work that goes in to something, the struggle. Things like self-promotion or being overtly proud of oneself were inherently wrong. I've kind of bristled at this quality in some, and folded when called upon to do so.

I mentioned at some point that I wasn't allowed to say I adored anything, because adoration was saved for heavenly things, but this attitude was pervasive everywhere, enforced by the woman who I kept as the central saint of my imagination. I see that some imbalances of energy expenditures and disappointment in myself at times, have come from 'keeping up' with what I could call an 'ethic' behind what/who I thought she was. But I also know, that she was lonely.

She died at 66, when I was almost 7, and after that everyone, and certainly the way everyone struggled openly seemed, even as a small child, undignified to me, next to my image of her. Me too. Now, as very much a grown-up, I consider how I may be wise enough to question the compartments of previous generations, but haven't overcome them. edited 23:54, 18 May 2018

(((((Cinda)))))
And thank you for the small wise voice.

65 days of sheets of papers started with a Word like "Identity" written in the middle.
Post-its on the walls turned into Mind maps spanning out from that core word.
Maybe 3 days spent on little bubbles of word phrases off the 5 o'clock spur.
Essays written, summarized, played, started and on the to do lists for the single bubble at 9 o'clock.
Standing back to see the whole and noticing the lack of attention on one point.
Many sheets of flat 2d paper. Many flat mind maps on a display.

Scene: Middle seat of an airplane. Served a glass with 3 little napkins.
Stare at the 3 flat napkins. Move them around, Breathe. Shuffle them over, under, around and breathe.
Pick one up into 3d space. Hold it perpendicular (or many angles). Slide it from the left edge of the flat to a central importance then to the right edge then not the edge.
Pick up the third napkin and see all the Play, all the intersections, all the vectors off.
Borrow 2 napkins from the sleeping passenger in the next seat.
The flat tray napkin plane of symbols, imagined writings, importances.
A hand holding the 2 uprights that wiggle, shift and dance, not staying where the human commands.
The right hand inter-playing 1 or 2 more napkins.
Breathe and study the patterns.
All those vertices, those edges, those spaces and the intersections.
Content.
Put the napkins down.
Spread the right and left hand fingers into cups toward each other. Bring together to hold that pure energy softball.

All that was missing was the word/idea: "Intersectionality"

(((Luci)))