2018.06.20 - Day 98

I have been reading a book called ‘The Neurotics Guide to Avoiding Enlightenment’ by Chris Niebauer. I am finding it quite interesting. I like the way he blends teachings of Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle with neuroscience.

He talks about the left-brain and how it acts as the ‘interpreter’ – always adding stories and explanations for the way things happen, and often very implausible explanations.
‘Here are things associated with the left-brain so you can start to notice when you’re engaging in these and become more aware of the interpreter. The interpreter has a preference for consistency and little tolerance for ambiguity. There are right and wrong answers and things need to be predictable and orderly. Paradox trips up the interpreter and for this reason paradox is a turn-off to those deeply possessed by it.’

Niebauer Ph.D., Chris. The Neurotic's Guide to Avoiding Enlightenment: How the Left-brain Plays Unending Games of Self-improvement (Kindle Locations 286-289). Outskirts Press, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

That’s a reason why they use koans in Zen. Koans don’t have easy explanations and help to penetrate, see through, the interpreter’s fictions

Storm wrote:
Please all know that I read everything you write and that's what makes this project so inspiring. :))

Me too! It is hard to convey how much I've appreciated these daily posts and longer exchanges. Whether responses or stand-alones, each offering has been substantive and genuine, has felt as though we are really sharing space in a common room. I didn't set out to, but have taken each person's exploration as my own in a natural way, and am coming away far richer.

:::bow of thanks::: and PS, love the title of that book, Zen!

If I look back, like Alma, wondering what to take home from this time, it is layered. I observed, and in observing, changed, rather than making the specific changes I set out to. Am I less isolated? Not exactly, but I understand the lines I've drawn better, and feel better about some of them.

At times, this has been a much deeper exploration for me than has come across. Sometimes I'm afraid to share more than the 'big picture' sort of optimism that indeed does characterize my aspirational views most, if not all, of the time. I'm afraid that if I admit to the level of struggle I sometimes experience alongside of that, I'll somehow be seen as untrustworthy.

I've joked before, that precisely because my outlook is positive and bright, sometimes people take it far more intensely when I'm not, but these days have covered some difficult things, including worries for our world, that have shaken me. Last night my dreams were about alligators, after finding out one of the centers holding children was not very far from me, and fretting over what one could or could not do/change/affect. Glad to see some movement on that today, but the way of the movement is suspect and may become a loophole for more cruelty.

Along with that shaking, has been refuge seeking in comfort teachers like Dogen. Found an audiobook this morning, for just a few dollars, to listen to while waiting for my daughter to emerge from physical therapy, "Essential Dogen, Writings of the Great Zen Master."

The book starts, unusually, with a poem from Alan Ginsberg, then leads into lessons on time and intimacy, original wholeness.


The weight of the world
is love.
Under the burden
of solitude,
under the burden
of dissatisfaction

the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.

Who can deny?
In dreams
it touches
the body,
in thought
constructs
a miracle,
in imagination
anguishes
till born
in human–
looks out of the heart
burning with purity–
for the burden of life
is love,

but we carry the weight
wearily,
and so must rest
in the arms of love
at last,
must rest in the arms
of love.

No rest
without love,
no sleep
without dreams
of love–
be mad or chill
obsessed with angels
or machines,
the final wish
is love
–cannot be bitter,
cannot deny,
cannot withhold
if denied:

the weight is too heavy

–must give
for no return
as thought
is given
in solitude
in all the excellence
of its excess.

The warm bodies
shine together
in the darkness,
the hand moves
to the center
of the flesh,
the skin trembles
in happiness
and the soul comes
joyful to the eye–

yes, yes,
that’s what
I wanted,
I always wanted,
I always wanted,
to return
to the body
where I was born.

“Song,” Allen Ginsberg (1954) edited 23:31, 20 Jun 2018

Thank you for posting these poems, Eliza. Especially the one by Sangharakshita a couple of days ago. That one went straight to my heart, and I have been looking back at it often.

I did Focusing this morning, and just got home from my RL Eckhart Tolle group. Now I'm trying to direct awareness to the "inner life of my body" (as Eckhart calls it), while I type. That is where Tolle and Gendlin seem to overlap.

Not much time to write just now. I'll post closing thoughts about the 99 days tomorrow.

Poems, poems, poems... I am awash in a sweet tide of words. :))

Eliza, thank you so much for the poems! And today I've been progressing further through Manchester Writing School's short course "How to make a poem". It's advertised as three hours per week for three weeks. NO WAY! Or maybe it's just me throwing myself headlong and doing far more than expected. Oh well. [shrugs happily]

And so I've been reading more poetry :) but also listening to recitations by randomly chosen authors. Here are just some I listened to. They're all short and I invite you to share.

John Betjeman - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/subalterns-love-song
Philip Larkin - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/mr-bleaney
Roger McGough - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/funicular-railway *** guaranteed to bring a smile :)
Adrienne Rich - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/i-dream-im-death-orpheus
Heather Phillipson - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/when-did-you-start-feeling
Joan Poulson - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/so-small
Katrina Porteous - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/ain-sakhri-lovers
Pascale Petit - https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/emmanuel