2009.01.19 07:00 - Undesirable feelings

Becka Finesmith was the Guardian. All comments are hers.

For the first few minutes I was alone which gave me some time to talk to the listener and reflect.....

Becka Finesmith: tumtetum....
Becka Finesmith: For the log. I seem to be alone here :-(
Becka Finesmith: It would be lovely to have someone to chat with but it's also quite peaceful

Then we had another visitor......

Susi Alcott: Hi Becka
Becka Finesmith: hello Susi
Becka Finesmith: How are you?
Susi Alcott: I'm o.k.
Susi Alcott: thank you for asking
Susi Alcott: how r you today ?
Becka Finesmith: I thought I was going to be on my own for this session!
Becka Finesmith: thank you for coming
Becka Finesmith: i'm very good thank you :)
Becka Finesmith: completely bogged down with work but OK with that
Susi Alcott: I'm very glad to hear that
Becka Finesmith: I haven't managed to ge to many sessions lately :-(
Becka Finesmith: things suddenly got busy
Susi Alcott: so you have been busy elsewhere
Susi Alcott: well
Becka Finesmith: in RL yes.
Becka Finesmith: I haven't been managing to get inot SL that much lately
Susi Alcott: we r often here even we r not that in physick
Becka Finesmith: inot-Into
Becka Finesmith: yes. This is quite true
Becka Finesmith: in spirit
Susi Alcott: _/!\_
Susi Alcott: not even ment to say that it would be the same
Susi Alcott: hoping you have been happpy for what you have been with
Susi Alcott: busy with
Susi Alcott: have you been ?
Becka Finesmith: Hve I been where?
Susi Alcott: have you been happy for what you have been busy with
Becka Finesmith: oh yes. Very. It's been very interesting
Becka Finesmith: but I miss coming here
Becka Finesmith: and seeing everyone
Becka Finesmith: Have you been able to come here often?
Susi Alcott: no
Becka Finesmith: what brings you here today?
Susi Alcott: called
Susi Alcott: maybe that was your spirit that calle me this time
Susi Alcott: I'm glad if you did
Becka Finesmith: :)
Susi Alcott: know only that I had to leave all else and that I was glad to meet you
Becka Finesmith: I was typing things for the chat logjust before you came :)
Becka Finesmith: and I'm glad you came
Susi Alcott: you sure may continue what you typing
Becka Finesmith: It was nothing. I was just saying even though there was no other person here, it was very peaceful
Susi Alcott: this is peacfull place yes
Susi Alcott: I surely would be glad also if there's something you'de like to share

My problems practicing still persists even though I thought it was related to the holidays.

Becka Finesmith: thank you. I mentioned last time that I have been having trouble practicing the 9 seconds. I thought it might have been just pressures over christmas but it has continued
Susi Alcott: there is the time to plant, there is the time to grow...
Susi Alcott: there is the time to let grow
Becka Finesmith: that's interesting. Can you expand on that?
Susi Alcott: human mind want to do many different things
Becka Finesmith: Do you mean the process continues even though I'm not actively seeking being?
Susi Alcott: the more strong mind there is, the more there's different things it wants
Susi Alcott: that is more than possible
Susi Alcott: freedom
Susi Alcott: that is more than urgent
Becka Finesmith: yes. I'm still mindful and I still meditate traditionally but the 9 seconds practice has been difficult
Susi Alcott: many times we just cannot do something simply because that is not base on our free will to do
Becka Finesmith: I have been doing things that don't lend themselves well to micro breaks
Susi Alcott: can you say that there is a light pain in your mind trying to do the 9 seconds ?
Becka Finesmith: yes. I can
Susi Alcott: the message of pain is that 'dont do'
Becka Finesmith: I feel a little bad saying tha
Becka Finesmith: no - not really
Susi Alcott: pls do not
Susi Alcott: don feel bad for that
Susi Alcott: hm
Becka Finesmith: I had originally tried to train myself to do it by setting a chime every 15 minutes
Becka Finesmith: this became so intrusive I had to stop
Becka Finesmith: my day is not overly busy but I am always doig something
Susi Alcott: yes you are
Becka Finesmith: those things simply don't lend themselves to bing interrupted so frequently
Susi Alcott: so you have done well
Susi Alcott: you have listened to your genuin needs
Becka Finesmith: :-)
Susi Alcott: have you made some promise to somebody else to practice the 9 second ?
Becka Finesmith: I'm not saying the practive hasn't helped me because it has
Becka Finesmith: well, yes. I said feel like I made a promise to Piet and the group
Susi Alcott: may I ask you something even it may feel odd at first ?
Becka Finesmith: of course
Susi Alcott: to how many people one can be loyal ?
Becka Finesmith: you must be loyal to everyone
Becka Finesmith: it's part of integrity
Susi Alcott: in case somebody asks you to jump to the well, do you do that ?
Becka Finesmith: I don't see loyalty as blind obedience
Susi Alcott: that I ment
Susi Alcott: maybe this is better question;
Becka Finesmith: then I can only listen to myself and so be loyal to myself under that definition
Susi Alcott: to how many people one can be loyal as blind obediece?
Becka Finesmith: only one
Becka Finesmith: I understand
Susi Alcott: love to hear your words
Becka Finesmith: but if I commit to something, it's making a promise externally that I don't want to break
Becka Finesmith: it sometimes brings me personal distress, but that's part of letting people into your life
Susi Alcott: yet the fact is that your own needs comes at first
Becka Finesmith: I feel quite comfortable saying these things about the 9 seconds because this is an exploration and all things should be said
Susi Alcott: yet that is also true that there is time for different things
Becka Finesmith: I want and need to explore myself. so I guess in a way, it's also a selfish thing
Becka Finesmith: yes. Perhaps this is not my time?
Susi Alcott: is selfish thing bad thing to you ?
Susi Alcott: dear Lady
Susi Alcott: each second of your life is your time too
Becka Finesmith: :-)
Susi Alcott: but because your existence has not been able to do 9 seconds
Becka Finesmith: yes. Tell me how it is for you?
Susi Alcott: many people do not notice, that also responsibility can turn to be a fear
Becka Finesmith: Hello Gen
Susi Alcott: I do not 9 seconds
Susi Alcott: Hello Gen
Becka Finesmith: yes. This is true and maybe that's what I mean by Burden
Susi Alcott: I understand very well that you fell bad (guilt) for not to do that lately
genesis Zhangsun: Hi Susi and Becka!
Becka Finesmith: Gen: We are talking about NOT practicing 9 seonds
genesis Zhangsun: okay :)
Susi Alcott: but I know very many people in PaB that would bless your not to do it lately
Susi Alcott: because they all understand the freedom to be the first
Becka Finesmith: yes. I undertand
Susi Alcott: I have tried to learn PaB
Becka Finesmith: and I learn things about myself by not doing it too
Becka Finesmith: please go on Susi
Susi Alcott: I still feel that I dont know even nearly enough
genesis Zhangsun: no rush though Beck we have our whole lives :)
Susi Alcott: but this one thing I truely think that has been the most common thing
Susi Alcott: and that is that freedom
genesis Zhangsun: it is an ongoing process is what I mean :)
Becka Finesmith nods
Susi Alcott: so my request to you is that you look upon that particle of the truth
Susi Alcott: so you can free yourself off the feeling guilt
Becka Finesmith: I'm not even saying it is of no benefit because it is. I try to see Being when I'm on my own and have no distractions
Becka Finesmith: I am exploring
Becka Finesmith: and seeing
genesis Zhangsun: thats whats important Becka :0
genesis Zhangsun: oops :)
Susi Alcott: that all happens all the time you want that to happen
Becka Finesmith: yes.
Becka Finesmith: Does anyone else feel that way in the group that you have heard?
genesis Zhangsun: feel guilty about not doing 9 seconds?
Becka Finesmith: or somply is not doing it
Susi Alcott: in case I may use all I take that I know
Becka Finesmith: simply
genesis Zhangsun: oh sure you might be the first I hear to admit it :)
Becka Finesmith: And that sums up my feelings precisely Susi
Susi Alcott: many can feel that quilt
genesis Zhangsun: but you are certainly not the only one
Becka Finesmith: OK. I said to Susi before you came, I still take away the principles even if I can't do the same type of practice
Becka Finesmith: it becomes to much of a discipline and detracts from the point of doing it
Susi Alcott: how would you Becka feel about the thought that it was ment for us to bring this matter 'on the table' today ?
Becka Finesmith: I become wrapped up in a ritual
genesis Zhangsun: oh yes in that case it sounds right to take a break from it
Becka Finesmith: I would feel comfortable with that thought Susi
Susi Alcott: ty you dear Lady
genesis Zhangsun: you know what is best for you, you are your own best guide and that is why freedom I think is so central as Susi says
Susi Alcott: that's what I felt to be
genesis Zhangsun: you need the freedom to be your own best teacher
Becka Finesmith: Interestingly, there is no pressure from others but you make these pressures yourself
Susi Alcott: and that is the fear 'called' responsibility
Susi Alcott: ...de ja vu ...
genesis Zhangsun: yes that could be the most interesting aspect of your situation Becka
Becka Finesmith: indeed
genesis Zhangsun: realizing another layer of the self
Becka Finesmith: I always do these things to myself
Becka Finesmith: or My Self
genesis Zhangsun: we ALL do!
genesis Zhangsun: just when you think you have found something to free yourself you find you must free yourself from the tool that freed you :)
Susi Alcott: _/!\_
Becka Finesmith: That's right
genesis Zhangsun: this is why process oriented thinking doesn't work in what we are doing :)
genesis Zhangsun: this isn't a normal "process' in the way we usually think about it
genesis Zhangsun: there truly is no goal Becka and that may be the most important thing to remember as you travel the path
Susi Alcott: there can be one goal
Becka Finesmith: yes. Perhaps I'm struggling to break free from many years of thinking there should be
genesis Zhangsun: yes Susi?
Susi Alcott: growth
genesis Zhangsun: :)
genesis Zhangsun: or the appearance of growth :)
genesis Zhangsun: (I was the scribe for the session you and Pema had about your healing practice
genesis Zhangsun: I enjoyed that so much :)
Susi Alcott: oh
Susi Alcott: we may thank Pema for asking
genesis Zhangsun: yes you mentioned growth in that context too
genesis Zhangsun: :)
Susi Alcott: that is the charachter/purpose of life
genesis Zhangsun: and on one hand it is growth in the relative sense and on the absolute nothing had really happened
genesis Zhangsun: but I see what you are saying Susi...I like growth because it says that every situation is workable
genesis Zhangsun: and it is in that attitude that freedom comes
Susi Alcott: _/!\_
Susi Alcott: I feel great happynes to spend time with two bright Ladies
genesis Zhangsun: :)
Susi Alcott: I have heared the rumor that women do save the world
genesis Zhangsun: :)
Susi Alcott: not that I'de know from what
Susi Alcott: but that sounds good
Becka Finesmith: from ourselves ;-)
Susi Alcott: Dear Lady
Susi Alcott: you are not fears
Susi Alcott: you are not sorrows
Susi Alcott: you are not anything such that should be saved from
Becka Finesmith: :-)
Becka Finesmith: That's a very nice thought :-)
Becka Finesmith: sadly - I have to leave now :-(
genesis Zhangsun: bye Becka!
Susi Alcott: _/!\_
genesis Zhangsun: thanks for sharing :)
Becka Finesmith: I've really enjoyed this session
Becka Finesmith: thank you for listening
Susi Alcott: be well dear Lady
Becka Finesmith: and to you both. See you soon.
Susi Alcott: :/!\_
Becka Finesmith: namaste