2011.12.26 _ 7

As I allow myself to detach from my fall schedule, I found myself detaching from everything the last two days. Lots of activity around me. but I seemed to be in passive mode. My dreams have been about preparing things for a new project. Sitting here I realize that I must learn to appreciate this transient mode in its own right as the present and thus avoid focusing on the past and the future.That may be tricky while I get myself ready for the challenges ahead. I remind myself that I must be patient and allow the present to seep in. edited 13:27, 26 Dec 2011

"Rebbe Nachman taught that a person has many many thoughts of returning to G-d everyday, but we ignore them or drown them out with busy-ness." Lee Weissmann

So very true. That was the story of last year (and of this session so far). Trying to find an accommodation between my desire for occasional solitude to meditate and the family's strongly expressed desire for togetherness.

What I thought was jet lag turned out to be a bug, causing me to sleep for about 30 hours. Interesting experience, very peaceful, to have much of the nonessential activity in my body switched off. A feeling of surrender also to whatever it is the body needs. A trust in the natural ability of the body to heal itself. Then shortly before midnight I felt just well enough to do my half-hour sit.
Reading yesterday's entries, like Eos I was basking in all the reports! Eliza's Kafka quote reminded me of John O'Donohue's "the infinite is a light sleeper": easy to wake up as soon as we halt our own din of distractions. And yes, Wol's quote too, which just appeared while I was writing here. Hi, Wol! edited 15:15, 26 Dec 2011

Not been here for a few days. I had a few physically very exhausting days, where basically anything beyond working and sleeping was too much. And a few very busy ones. And then I realized my winter depression has crept up on me. It takes some effort to look at that one with interest and acceptance. And extra effort to push through the extra inertia the depression itself causes.

I did 15 minutes sitting meditation today to take a good look at my state of mind. I found that a lot of the depression is located in my throat, which I had not expected. At the core, there is a kind of shaky sadness, but around that, there is a lot of talk. Both the shakiness and the hardness of the talk are more than in my summer state of mind.

I have not worked out yet how to combine this state of mind with writing. I do still want to write, but I will have to more actively find the energy to do so. edited 20:41, 26 Dec 2011

I find Boxing day to be the non-alcoholic hangover of withdrawal of warm Christmas RL companionship. But still lots to enjoy. It goes up from here, into the new year. Worried that I am getting addicted to SL sharing and companionship. What did I do in pre SL life?

201112260959
Watching a blue jay on a snowy branch through the window. The glory of mid-morning sunlight, so bright( 0959). Smiling at Wester: it's already the return of the light, opening up our throat chakras, empowering us to express ourselves. #timestamp

Last day of family visit and a happy sadness to depart. Early afternoon sitting at the wall. It is exhausting to process contradictions involved with the place I am in, the people I encounter, including myself encountering people and setting, but also possible to relax all that, for processing contradictions to dissolve until they seem more like easy conversations. Then further, too... to smile at expressions expressing. :)

Alone today except for a warm 2 hours with Cal and Zen and Bruce in our weekly session. I, too, felt a sort of sadness of withdrawal after the busyness and intensity of yesterday's celebrations. Rain kept me inside except for a brief escape to take a pic of the huge beech tree on English Bay- covered with lights- each representing a soul who has died of AIDS. A mini galaxy. Sat for 20 minutes twice today and realized how that stillness has almost become an emotional imperative. edited 03:00, 27 Dec 2011

Somewhat subdued day, following major dinner event of yesterday. After the Dublin Messiah of a few days ago, started recalling Beethoven's Missa Solemnis, and spent much of today repeatedly playing the Benedictus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rM9bavYuoAc): Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini (blessed who comes in the name of the Lord). Somehow seems highly significant, in the "not I but Christ lives in me" sense. We could say coming as Being playing as Being. This piece is one of those pinnacles of human understanding, methinks....

Short meditation, slow Tai Chi, read some TaoDeJing, a bd gift from my officemate. Since it was such a slow day, seems I had more time to relax, read and meditate, later did a puzzle (Painting of an Aztec Calendar) left behind by relatives after their weekend here... another form of meditation. :)
Get well Pema