2011.11.05 _ 65

how odd that I find myself here in a droplet rather than the 99 day log.
I will enjoy this opportunity to take a deep breath

Meditated in the evening. Slow prostrations. I also did 10 minutes of sitting meditation yesterday, just before going to bed.

First noticed that in meditation distractions that are so small that they are not noticed at all in the "normal" mindset (a dripping tap faraway, glasses that must have been this dirty for hours) don't just become noticeable, they often become irritant as well. They have to be fixed. Until you either decide to drop them or stop meditating, then they disappear again.

Then I had a lovely thought (ignorance, aversion and attachment are not really different from each other. they help each other continue) and immediately got attached to that. Took me a few minutes to stop holding on to it.

And then I decided to be grateful to the people that I'm having an emotional situation with at the moment. Noticed I immediately began to find reasons for this: I am grateful to these people because they help me learn, because they do what they do out of love, etc. Dropped that and went back to just trying to see them, in this situation, as it is, and feel grateful for that, not for some kind of polished story I could make out of it. I will have to practice that one a whole lot more.

Somewhat fixed on intention to have a "goodwill" toward others orientation prior to sleep.. noticing that it can be rather.. um.. "all about me". And contrasting that with notions of "going inward", or "being in body". Hm.. questions. So.. just went for awareness, allowing for a sort of fluidy, then more ethereal expansion, filling blinked territories.. and then when run out of those.. hm.. stayed with expanding / naturally flooding awareness.. then.. awareness without territory to blink in/out whatsoever, and finally I offered.. and went to sleep.

Morning, found gazing.. ping-ponging between bodily sensations, atmospherics and environment.. and half back to sleep sorties, imagined settings.. setting on a bench.. setting on a bed, setting on a pond, setting down on paper, setting upright, setting ideas in motion, setting a linen tablecloth for judgments (allowing ample time to place polished silver just so, slightly bent, open to discovery), setting lovingly lit rose.. into seasonal darkness, noticing spots of spectacle come into view, and seeing what might see.. just then.. and then.. I sat up.. setting. edited 22:16, 5 Nov 2011

Somehow ran all day. I wasn't aware of haste or stress as it happened, minute by minute, but as I arrive here I am absolutely exhausted. If I stay awake long enough to do a body-inventory and lying-down meditation, I'll add that here tomorrow morning.

Feeling stressed all day
annoyed easily
heard someone say that holding a grudge is like allowing someone to live in your head ..
appreciated hearing it...and have forgotten where it was...thanks to who ever it was!

Thank you, Wol and Sam, for your reminder yesterday, conveyed by Wol, about noticing the process of losing attention and coming back. I decided to apply it in a very simple and immediate way, by sitting still for a few minutes, noticing the different ways in which I could be watching my thoughts. For a while I saw them coming and going, then I noticed my thoughts about coming and going come and go, that all thoughts would mostly die down for a bit, and then there would be a gap after which I noticed that I had gone AWOL completely, for half a minute or so. Then back to coming and going, and so on.

Today I had dinner with another student of my Tai Chi teacher (at a different location) so we did Tai Chi together, quite a different experience, similar to the difference between doing a 90 second meditation alone vs together at PaB, much more feedback, :)

Stop. Sense of unpacking the time within 'this' time, the place within 'this' place.. gaps between the notes ... aquainted with not-striving, precisions of appreciation.

even a log can have droplets
aaaaph - enjoying the opportunity to take a deep breath
rounded rich swelling droplet bottom
poof

:::My happy old Dad
:::Travelling with lady friends
:::To a cuban beach

Recliner sit: Pondering "holding a grudge is like allowing someone to live in your head." Three desperate friends who have borrowed money from me since summer seem to have no intention of paying it back. When did my head become a homeless shelter?