2011.11.27 _ 87

wow - 17:43 and no comments yet !? ;-)

okay : my lojong practice again and again is really heavy for me for several reasons : there is, for example, my difficulty to practice steadily over a longer period. then the every days things which occure and happen, sometimes make a difficulty. and last not least there are my inner doubts and conflicts, my not believing anything, which takes me to very heavy situations regarding to the tibetan buddhist practices. because in my understandings there are some beliefes, which i can´t share as said just before, for example the thing with reincarnation. a teacher of mine long time ago explained to me about this - it wouldn´t be necessairy to belief that, i could do my practice anyway and without such beliefs. first i did not understand, meanwhile it´s a bit more understood. ty lama ! but nevertheless the approach sometimes is really heavy and it feels like when the devil is speckled with holy water - it hurts ! but for sure, it helps at the same time ...

Meditation late in the evening. Busy day, found it difficult to find the mental room to even start meditating. And when I did start meditating, my mind kept jumping around. Chattering, noticing things that needed to be done NOW (no matter that I could have done them anytime earlier in the day).

Prostrations. I did smile at times. edited 08:34, 29 Nov 2011

I enjoyed my daily half-hour sit. I again took moments of distraction as triggers for investigation, moving from there in two directions, as I did yesterday: downwards, so to speak, by dropping them as much as I could, and sideways, by leaving them as they are but seeing them in their emptiness aspect. The fourth step was again integrating both previous steps, dropping what is empty and needs no dropping.
Meanwhile, feeling the support here, as O mentioned, and enjoying the inspiration from the experimental attitude of Wol and Wester: notice this, try that, adjust such, a bit more so. edited 23:09, 27 Nov 2011

Another beautiful day, meditation and Tai Chi outside in my back yard. Today as I slowly was focusing and quieting my mind I was confronted by the sight, after a turn, of the pine cones in the tree in front of me. I am usually not overwhelmed but such sights, pine cone in the trees, but today they seemed to be special, as if they were never there before, and today they were there, just for me and my Tai Chi practice. edited 23:37, 27 Nov 2011

Integrating voice into sense of body. After spending time alone.. odd to hear external voice. Feeling voice as, from, in body. Thoughts embodied, but also passing clouds of perception. Before sleep, cradle of loving kindness. Upon waking.. watching some kind of illusion arise, as though mind has habitually put on these clothes again and again.. but it clearly doesn't have to be that way.

Sat for ten minutes in-world with Bertram and company. Very pleasant, clear and quiet.

Relate so much to sentiment Bertram expresses, finding balances and ways or relating with beliefs-as-pointers (openness), rather than beliefs-as-dogma or superstition. At the same time, there is a roots and branches sensibility of precision and vastness. Map as not territory but knowing that, perhaps map becomes a more accessible resource...

55 breaths practice today, beginning again & again. I've mentioned this a few times and basically it is an idea springboarded from other practices... commiting for 5 years, 55 conscious breaths a day. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I do it twice, maybe three times or more. I'm sure that my numbers will be wildly off in the so-called end, but nonetheless both the commitment and practice itself are felt to be nurturing.

asking questions
trying one more thing
engaging more fully

::: Songs of innocence
::: Doves sent flying at church's door
::: Quantum leaps of souls edited 11:14, 28 Nov 2011

Trying again and again to stop trying and just be.

On walk (which lately has been happening just on weekends) letting feet do the walking, feeling each step, the earth beneath. Sometimes it's soft and springy underfoot, like at Windhorse Farm. Walking fast, but regularly, at constant speed: that's part of the container. There's a surround quality to the sights and sounds and smells and brushes of wind. The workaday thoughts are included in the cloudscape. Sometimes the walker is being walked, empty inside and big outside meeting. You are all also included.